Veronica Mars · Season 2
I need you to get me into a restricted website.
Sure, what's the address?
I don't know.
What's it for?
It's a Neptune High gay chat room.
Veronica, you're not...
No, I'm just curious. [chuckles] Curious as to what's posted on the website, more accurately. Here we go. Work your funky magic. [beat] And... nothing. What's the problem? [Mac stares at Veronica without speaking] ...You set it up, didn't you?
You can ride with me if you want. I realize it's no bus filled with rowdy towel-snapping jocks, but it'll smell better.
I don't know. Um... do you have room for my giant foam finger?
I do, and I can even drop you off around the block if you're worried about being seen together.
Yes. Please, by all means, protect my reputation.
Veronica!
Hey, party girl.
I need your help.
Let me guess: the "Pin the Penis on the Fireman" game ended in tears?
So, you want me to come over after school?
The words out of your mouth are, "come over," but all I hear you saying is, "Let's have sex."
Excuse me? All I heard you say was, "Let's have sex."
They've set a trial date sixty days from today.
Whatever will I wear?
The D.A. is offering a one-time deal, a plea bargain.
I'm not interested.
You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior - if you could muster some - you'd be out in half that.
[incredulous] Two years?
Logan, [sighs] let me remind you the prosecution has witnesses. The good kind - eyewitnesses.
Cholo lowlives and a lying cokehead plastic surgeon.
A prominent, well-respected cokehead doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the "Tinseltown Diaries"? Jurors love convicting smug, rich boys - it's a fact. I've asked around - and I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.
Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self defense. I got jumped by a gang. Argue that.
I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang. He saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix.
No deal.
Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.
I had the printers forego the phallic framing. Penises can sometimes be distracting.
[in jail] So...to what do I owe the pleasure?
I'm here to tempt you, Aaron.
Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say...with what?
Huge tracts of land...more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece.
So I guess Big Dick still has his fingers in a few pies, huh?
My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that he might be working abroad. [winks] Aaron, how would you like to walk out of here a richer man?
Ahh! You're cash-strapped. No I get it. I can help. But... [imitating Hannibal Lecter] quid pro quo, Mrs. C. Quid pro quo. F-f-f-f-f-f-f.
Impressive Hannibal. Well, they told me the glass is bulletproof, but I'm betting I could talk you through it. [unbuttons her top]
Where have you been?
We have a whole lifetime for stories. Let's do this thing. [to priest] Lay it on me, preacher man.
Uh, I demand to know what you've been up to.
I didn't ask you what you were doing for your bachelor party. And after finding whipped cream in your underwear, I think I was entitled.
You were entitled? You - the one who sexed up every wannabe rock star in southern California? You know, if I wanted to marry Tawny Kitaen, I would have gotten a nipple pierced.
How can you say that to me? Like I would ever sex up a drummer. Lead singer, yes. Maybe the occasional guitar player...
And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money.
I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.
Okay, so we're gonna play a game called "Two Truths and a Lie." Does everyone have a buddy? [Veronica raises her hand] All alone?
It's all right. I prefer it.
Lie. See, that's how the game works. [to group] You have to tell your partner two facts and one lie and they have to guess which one is the lie, all right? [to Veronica] Okay, so go ahead.
Okay, I'm Veronica. I'm from Neptune. And I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Oh, how'd that go?
It was a bit of a letdown.
Hmm. Well, uh, I don't believe that you're from Neptune.
Wrong. Is that the end?
Um, okay. Well, my name is Dean, I'm from Wheaton, Illinois. My father owns a Ford dealership, and I also shot a man in Reno, but it wasn't to watch him die, it was for, other issues.
Your father doesn't sell Fords.
That's right, Toyotas. How did you know?
It's all in the eyes.
All right, well, I guess I'll have to watch out for you next year.
Oh, I won't be attending.
All right, enough lies.
Dude! So we hanging this weekend or that chick still have your sack locked up in her Easy-Bake Oven?
Actually, I am now a free man.
The way we should be, man.
"We"? What happened to Madison?
[scoffs] Bailed. According to her friend, she met someone more mature.
Where, Legoland?
Pfft. Whatever, man. Maturity is like one of the two most overrated things on the planet.
The other being?
Chicks.
Oh, so this worked out great for you.
Dude, why do you think I'm in such a great mood? Screw it. This weekend, you and me are partying like Ozzy.
I saw you talking to that guy. What'd you talk about?
Jane Austen. But he dissed Pride and Prejudice, so I had to throw a beer on him.
I want to emphasize this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. [shows Lamb a photo of him and Madison]
That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter.
[looks around, lowers his voice] So, what? This is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal.
Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election. [shows him a "campaign flyer": 18 - It's Legal! Re-Elect Don Lamb]
That's Veronica Mars - making friends and influencing people wherever she goes. See, if you come here next year, you've already got enemies. Just feel right at home.
You´re back early.
Yeah, I ditched the goodbye hugging, can you believe it?
You? Miss Hug. So you must be tired. Why don´t you lie in your...[interrupted by knocking]
Is Keith here?
Dad... your hooker's here.
Escort, honey... So why don´t you go to your room and do your... blog or whatever you kids do.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Veronica Mars pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
