Veronica Mars quotes from Veronica Mars

I'm looking for detective Mars.

Veronica

I'm detective Mars.

But you're just a girl. You're a teenager.

Veronica

A girl, a teenager, and a private detective - I'm a triple threat. Barely fits on my business card.

Veronica

I just hope Piz isn't planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It's not like I'm taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It's the FBI. The F. B. I.

Mac

At the very least, Piz should think it's hot.

Veronica

Actually, he does think it's pretty hot. He'd just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune.

Mac

He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger.

Veronica

And if he didn't care, I'd probably be complaining about that...to my girlfriend...while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. I'm a girl!

Veronica

What?

Mac

Miss Mars uses Venus razor.

Veronica

Because if she doesn't, her legs look like Pluto's.

Mac

And she's down-to-earth to boot.

Veronica

I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.

Mac

I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.

Veronica

Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hm.

Veronica

Hey, you never told me what happened with your whole man crush thing.

Mac

Wallace has a man crush?

Piz

The man crush isn't me, is it?

Veronica

Some guy following him around campus. Is it Piz?

Piz

So, what's the protocol for a plane christening? I mean, does someone get to, like, smash the, uh, Sea Monkey with a miniature bottle of champagne?

Wallace

The protocol? Pray to whatever god you believe in she flies. Otherwise, my ass is grass.

Veronica

Orville Wright's exact words, if I recall.

Piz

I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd.

Mac

Wait, you have an inner one?

Veronica

I guess you're all asking yourself why I called this meeting. [pause] What? That's comedy gold

She knows about my dad's company.

Veronica

And I know that Leon's cryptography research wasn't really stolen. Let's see one guy to steal the machine one guy to program it and everyone to point the finger at the ex-con maintenance guy and the injustice league strikes again

Who are you calling?

Veronica

The surgeon general.

She's calling her dad, the sheriff.

Veronica

Good call Jenny, see you're not just here for your looks.

Hang up please we can work this out you can be one of us.

Veronica

Is this where you turn me into a vampire?

We can make it worth your while.

Veronica

All right I'm listening.

So what is that maintenance guy paying you anyway?

Veronica

Cash.

Don't turn us in can give you your very own Hearst ID.

Veronica

Oh I have one, thanks.

This one is the everlasting gobstopper of spending money ,you'll never have to pay for another textbook, another ticket to a campus performance, another meal.

Veronica

Assuming that I want to eat meals in the food court for the rest of my life, besides you're lying, you don't have the machine you left it in the locker next to Mr. Navarro's

There's a third one.

I've already programmed it.

The only reason we got busted is cause we used stupid aliases we get new cards, generic names and we don't get caught again.

You're a scholarship kid right.

Yeah its gotta be really tough paying for all those meals and textbooks.

Veronica

It is which is why a bunch of kids who can afford to ski in Aspen getting their kicks by ripping off my school and blaming it on the nearest kid from the wrong side of the tracks pisses me off so much.

You think that ski picture is proof, that doesn't prove anything.

Veronica

But this conversation does.

Veronica

I wont bore you with the rest but I'll bet it means jail time, or if you'd prefer you can go throw yourselves at the mercy of the campus police I'm sure they'll be more merciful than my dad, especially after he finds that third machine in one of your dorm rooms.

Like we keep it in a dorm room.

Veronica

If I don't hear by tomorrow that the charges against my client have been dropped by tomorrow afternoon I'm taking everything I've got to the finest sheriff's department in Balboa county. And try to keep it down in here, okay, it's a library.

Veronica

Dick? Get out here.

Dick

What's up, V?

Veronica

If you had to bet?

Dick

Look, from a guy's perspective, the video just made your stock go up. You looked great. Enthusiasm -- always a plus--

Veronica

It's like you're this giant jackass piñata begging for someone to beat the candy out of you. Where'd you get the video?

Dick

Someone e-mailed it to me.

Veronica

Who? Get your computer.

Dick

I probably deleted--

Veronica

After all these years, do you not instinctively fear me? Maybe you should write yourself a note.

Piz

I-it's a nice day. Let's go eat outside. Veronica? Come on.

Looks even more familiar from behind.

Piz

I promise you, karma's going to take care of that guy for you.

Veronica

I know. I'm gonna run him over with my "karma."

Veronica

Chip a moment of your time.

I'm kinda in the middle of something.

Veronica

It's a cluster of morons, don't worry they'll let you back in.

You know what I like about you, you got spirit.

Veronica

I want to talk to you.

That's what you're doing.

Veronica

Could you put your head up your ass before they stuck the egg in there or is this new?

What do you want.

Veronica

Who sent you the video.

Don't know, don't care.

Veronica

You dont care now, but holy crap are you gonna care when I start to get my revenge on, you'll be doin' all sorts of caring.

Veronica

Domonick?

Yeah.

Veronica

Where'd you get the video of me

I don't know what you're talking about.

Veronica

Your pubescent snickering tells me differently.

Someone sent it to me.

Veronica

You should tell me who, or I can assume it originated from you.

You can assume whatever position you like

Veronica

I'm thinking chokehold you gasping for your last breath.

Shh sweetheart, sweetheart you are so much hotter with the sound off.

Veronica

You'll really be better off giving me that name.

Yeah well I guess I need to quiver in fear now so see ya.

Veronica

Okay then.

Mac

Let me explain something, Veronica. I own the most powerful personal computer on campus. There is no personal computer faster or better than mine at Hearst. And using this incredible computer of mine, it will take twenty years to crack Jake Kane's password on this hard drive.

Veronica

So how do we do it?

Mac

You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan. You refuse to believe in the no-win scenario.

Veronica

You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references.

If you have proof that I'm involved in some way, maybe you should get a lawyer. If you don't, maybe you should just stay and have a drink.

Veronica

Yeah. I'm definitely gonna need a drink. Perhaps twelve. I don't know, how many does it usually take for a girl to find you not gross?

Veronica

Hey, Nish. I've got a present for you.

You're transferring?

Veronica

A list. The names of every member of the Castle. All men. You think this will help with that lawsuit?

Oh, my God. Politicians. Tycoons. Celebrities. This is gold. You're gonna make some very powerful men very unhappy.

Veronica

Won't be the first time.

Veronica

You forwarded it to your whole address book?

Dick

It was instinct. I always forward porn when it's good.

Veronica

You are going to be so popular in Hell.