Kent Davison quotes from Veep

Kent

Actually, ma'am... I'm sorry I'm late... I think I may have found something. The voting data in Nevada is multiple standard deviations outside the means.

Selina

Christ, Kent, know your audience.

Kent

I think that there is statistical evidence of missing ballots in Nevada.

Selina

Where?

Kent

I do not know.

Selina

How many?

Kent

I do not know.

Selina

Are you sure?

Kent

Absolutely.

Kent

[on the news coverage of a salmonella outbreak] The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics?

Ben

Or how to cook a fucking turkey?

Jeff

I've spoken to the governor, New Hampshire has agreed to hold a special election for the seat before Christmas. But...

Ben

Sounds like a big goddamn 'but'!

Jeff

Oh, yeah. This is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams 'butt'; Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.

Kent

Ah, I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.

Ben

We have a list of vetted names here.

Jeff

Oh, great. Why don't you send them over to me, I'm running low on toilet paper.

Kent

Excuse me?

Jeff

You don't give me names, Beardo, I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up Tubby's dick!

Ben

So who's your choice?

Jeff

You know, I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.

Kent

Heard a lot of great things about Ezra!

Jeff

Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight, after kids will probably still be a seven. Mark my words: he will be president one day. But, Ezra is currently serving in Afghanistan. Plus, for anyone to beat the widow you're gonna have to fight dirty, and I don't shit where I eat.

Ben

Well, me neither. Not since my wife caught me eating yoghurt on the crapper.

Jeff

We need a real piece of cannon fodder here. Some spectacular dumbass who's willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation and then fuck off so that Ezra can slide right in.

Ben

So, do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?

Jeff

[enigmatically] There's only one name on it.

Ben

Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank.

Selina

Why not?

Ben

'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about.

Kent

AIDS, for example.

Ben

Thanks, Kent's autism.

Kent

In order to find an ideal match, the restaurant table, food, and tie will be the same for every date to establish a control. The girl will be different.

Ben

Jesus, Kent! He's just gotta go to a laundromat, meet a girl, take her to a movie, little chit chat, couple, three drinks, standard HJ in the cab home, and a year later he's a father. Why do you make it so goddamn complicated?

Jonah

You know, one time I tried hitting on a girl in a laundromat. For someone with broken English, she was real uppity.

Kent

There's your answer.

Ben

Carry on.

Ben

Get up.

Jonah

What?

Kent

Give me that fork.

Jonah

What gives?

Kent

Fundraising laws. No silverware.

Ben

Yeah. If you sit, it's a meal. Which is a gift. Which is a bribe. Which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you!

Jonah

You are going to invite me to dinner at your house, or I am going to fuck all your shit up. And, I want you to make me the paella.

Kent

You play with the paella?

Furlong

Mrs. Furlong is only interested in inviting married couples, and you and your imaginary dragon don't count.

I'm coming too.

Furlong

Whoa, what is this, the fourth horse-face of the apocalypse? Jesus, Jonah, if you're gonna pay for sex, just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.

Ben

Uh, this is Shawnee Tanz, daughter of Sherman Tanz.

Furlong

[suddenly polite] Ah, Ms. Tanz! Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated!

Yes, he's bringing me to dinner. We're engaged.

Jonah

Wait, what? We are?

There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's. Pick it up by six. It's already paid for.

Ben

Tom and Kemi would make a formidable ticket.

Kent

It would reassure people who look like him that the country wouldn’t be ruined by people who look like her.

Kent

Ma'am, we're scrapping tomorrow's schedule. You're making an appearance at the Iowa State Fair.

Ben

Block and tackle retail politics. Eat a few corn dogs...

Selina

Last thing I need is my picture being taken eating dick-shaped food. I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick.

Kent

"Man Up" continues to resonate in all four quadrants.

Selina

It's universal: Men hate women, women hate themselves.

Selina

Okay Gary, you need to spend every dime in the space-based...

Kent

Faith-based.

Selina

Mmm-hmm. On religious shit, ASAP.

Gary

I don't know how to do that. I don't even know how it got in there.

Selina

Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus fucking a Triceratops.

Kent

It's basically a two-woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people.

Selina

That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.

Kent

Ma'am, the White House refuses to get involved in your situation.

Selina

What?

Kent

Although, publicly, Montez has claimed to be considering all options.

Ben

Privately, I hear she's been doing impressions of you getting broomsticked in prison.

Selina

I wanna offer Jonah the VP slot.

What?

Selina

Yeah, it's the only move we have left now, and we're gonna have to get it done today.

Kent

Ma'am, there are still numerous permutations that can play out here. You don't have to do this.

Selina

Do the goddamn Islamic math. You're the numbers guy.

Kent

Fuck the numbers! I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! That is an entirely unacceptable outcome!

Selina

Amy, will you talk some sense into him, please?

Amy

Don't do it.

Selina

What?

Amy

Don't make Jonah your VP.

Selina

You know what I just remembered? You are a terrible campaign manager.

Amy

Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, let alone be the president!

Selina

Amy, there's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.C. Being Vice President is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death! Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I've got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal!