Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.
Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.
Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.
Don't do the voice, though.
KentI've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?
Kent
Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.
JJackson
They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.
[awkward pause]
JJackson
Well, maybe—I dunno if it's gonna be Baywatch. There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could...
You know, son, you should only talk when someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say "tickle me".
Kent
Ma'am.
Kent
Kind of, in a way. And also not. And, in a third way, both.
What are you talking about? What is it? Are we at war?
Kent
Ma'am, we're America, we're always at war.
Kent
The First Lady isn't in a good place.
Kent
Mentally. POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time to looking after her.
Kent
At any rate... he's gonna resign.
Kent
Ma'am, you're about to become the 45th President of the United States. It's not a dress-rehearsal, not a drill. You are going to be the president.
I've read the speech, so my friends here—oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military–industrial complex. Military–industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.
Is this about the submarine jobs?
Ten fucking points to Elsa the Ice Queen!
Kent
Should we recalibrate our language, Roger?
It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!
The N620's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!
And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!
You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round fucking window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!
Hey, Dobby the House Elf, we've had enough. Just get out.
Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to fuck. [makes the Vulcan salute, then the middle finger] Live long and fuck off!
Kent
Catherine, America doesn’t like you.
Kent
That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.
[grabbing Kent's pages of polling statistics] Let me see that!
Kent
It's not that you're unlikeable, it's just that there's a perception...that you are unlikable.
Kent
I wouldn't say "hate", you just...polarize opinion, with the bulk of it gravitating to this poll here. [indicates on the page]
This is like high school all over again!
Kent
Yeah, kind of, but much bigger!
I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.
[beat]
No. No, this is not—this is not real.
No, you're right Dan, it's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.
So am I fired? Please Ben, don't say that I'm fired.
...because you've just resigned.
Kent
It's a perfect fit. Worked on the Families First Bill, and handsome. Therefore, guilty looking.
No, no. No! I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data!
You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will fucking destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs!!
[beat]
Kent
I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.
Kent
Ben, Tom James has just said the shooter is a victim too; PTSD.
Oh, my God! Calamity James! And that's just off the top of my head!
Kent
Well, what do I do?
Just get him off, you fucking mannequin!
Kent
Yeah... Vermont and Connecticut, yup, they're for us.
Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!
Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.
KKaren
Oh, uh, he's gone to talk to the crowd at the rally.
Why would you let him do that?
KKaren
Well you don't work here.
Alright. Fuck all of you, I'm going to the rally.
[everyone starts to protest]
Kent
Ma'am, that would be unprecedented.
No, I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent: a tie is unprecedented! So's becoming the first lady president! So's that jack-off becoming president through the back-door! Okay, the rulebook's been torn up now, AND AMERICA IS WIPING ITS NASTY ASS WITH IT!!!
No breakfast for this guy.
You are looking at a guy on the master cleanse. I feel amazing.
What in the lunatic fuck is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.
Kent
Little known fact about the Nazis... their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers. Though also tragic.
The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.
Veep · 381 quotes
