Gary Walsh quotes from Veep

Mike

I hope Mee-Maw's okay.

Selina

She's been at death's door like five times, but she always bounces back to life.

Gary

It's true.

Selina

She's like that guy... that guy...

Gary

Lazarus.

Selina

Rasputin.

Gary

You fuckers. How dare you. That magnificent woman was counting on you, and you losers let her down!

Dan

[into his phone] Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back; something amazing is happening.

Gary

All you fucking cared about was your stupid bad selves! [to Kent] Your numbers? Your numbers are garbage! [to Mike, who is discreetly filming Gary's eruption on his phone] Your speeches? Garbage! [to Ben] Oh, and you're supposed to give her advice?! Is that right?! Because all I heard was dumb, stupid, I don't know what the fuck it was!

Ben

Garbage?

Tom James

Gary...

Gary

Oh, shut up! You screwed her the worst, in all the ways! [laughs] Oh, I know! I know you make fun of me! And I know that you think that I'm funny, and I'm funny ha-ha-ha! Well at least I cared! I did my job!! I fucking cared!!!

Ben

Well, that just kinda made this whole year worth it.

Dan

Yeah.

Gary

How is an ex-president's ex moving back in with her going to go over in small town America?

Selina

Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.

Gary

Oh my, look at those curtains! Where can I get those?

I made them from my husband's death shroud.

Selina

Oh... what a touching tribute, Nyaring.

No, it was a purposeful desecration of a man who beat and raped me.

Selina

Well, they go with everything.

Amy

Ma'am, the president of Egypt is expecting your call at 3 pm.

Selina

Okay, send his mistress a gift. Maybe something from Niemann's. Oh, no, wait - any department store that wasn't started by Jews.

Amy

I will have to start one myself.

Selina

Now I'm gonna need a report on mineral rights in Sudan.

Amy

Okay.

Selina

And I have to find out, what's Qatari for "Morning after pill"?

Gary

Oh, my God...

Selina

It's probably "a stoning", which would also do the trick.

Selina

Jesus Christ, underaged Muslim brides are less traumatized at their unveiling.

Gary

And even they don't have to drink Coke Zero.

Gary

I promise this party is gonna be so elegant.

Very New South.

Gary

Yes.

Selina

What does that mean? No butt-fucking Ned Beatty until the after party?

OK, so Lou wants to meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil. You leave Friday.

Selina

That's so funny, because the lady who does my Brazilian is from Hong Kong.

Gary

It's Kismet.

Selina

I know, it really is, isn't it?

Gary

No, her name is Kismet.

Selina

Two wheelchair guys behind him? Like we didn't get the point with the first one?

Gary

I got it.

Selina

One wheelchair guy, shame on you. Two wheelchair guys, shame on me.

Marjorie

I'm sorry about Catherine, ma'am. She's suffering from post-partum depression.

Selina

How can you tell?

Gary

Well, the haircut...

Selina

You know what I would love to tell people, but I obviously can't?

Gary

Well, say it here.

Selina

I should be president because it is my goddamn turn! I was the game-changer. I took a dump on the glass ceiling, and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club! But for three years, Hughes kept me chained to a radiator in some basement in Cleveland, so as far as I'm concerned, America owes me an eight-year stay in the White House. And this time, I want a war!

Dan

Ma'am, I ran a little intel, and apparently the secret to Felix Wade is to repeat the last two sentences that he says.

Selina

C'mon, that is idiotic! Is he really that insecure?

Gary

C'mon, that is idiotic! Is he really that insecure?

Selina

Right? Gary gets it.

Selina

Okay Gary, you need to spend every dime in the space-based...

Kent

Faith-based.

Selina

Mmm-hmm. On religious shit, ASAP.

Gary

I don't know how to do that. I don't even know how it got in there.

Selina

Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus fucking a Triceratops.

So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?

Selina

Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator.

Oh, well, there it is - the casual Meyer attitude toward criminal enterprise, just like her husband.

Gary

Ex-husband.

Jonah

Step-husband.

Selina

You know, if you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.

Furlong

Alright, right now every Sunday pundit and poli sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still come.

Selina

Hitting a little close to home there, Roger, minus the "big-titted" part.

Gary

We've never had a complaint, have we?

Furlong

But if we doesn't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickety-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons!

Gary

That's not a problem for us.

Selina

Gary, it's fine.

Furlong

Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay? None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore. So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms and pinching nipples. And, what else, Will?

Will

And may the best man win. And may the hairiest man ziptie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure.

Furlong

Ha!