Gary Walsh quotes from Veep

Gary

Hey, ma'am? How would you like, like, a nice little almond croissant?

Selina

Oh yeah, I would love that.

Gary

Okay, okay! [heads for the door]

Selina

Can you make it a big one? You know, so you can stuff me inside of it and smuggle me outta here?

Gary

Of course I can!

Gary

I'm the VP's bag-man. Which I believe in Finland you say kassi?

Minna Häkkinen

Excuse me?

Gary

I'm a kassi.

Minna Häkkinen

Where did you get this translation from?

Gary

I have a Finnish friend in D.C. who works in the embassy and she gave me a lesson before I came.

You see, "kassi" is "bag", but it's not, uh, "bag-man". It's a— a man-bag you know? [makes a cupping gesture with his hand]

Minna Häkkinen

It is a container. It is a testicle container.

Amy

Ma'am. Uh, how are you?

Selina

Look, Amy, watch this. Look how tiny I can make myself. Watch this.

Amy

But the donor meeting has been cancelled, yes?

Selina

I'm not doing that thing. Seriously, screw all those people. God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on D.C.

Gary

Ooh.

Selina

Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues? Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his... It's true. He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face. Can you imagine fucking that guy?

Gary

These flowers came for you from the Secretary of Defense Maddox.

Selina

Oh, let's see. "Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off."

Dan

Come on.

Selina

He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.

Gary

About the campaign, I had an idea.

Selina

[handing him a used sanitary wipe] Here you go.

Gary

Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer, and I'm running for President of the United States."

Selina

I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.

Dan

You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for [indicating himself...] Superman and [...and Amy] Wonder Woman over there, just, [super-cutesy] "I wanna be President."

Gary

Ma'am, I don't know if you just heard what he was saying...

Selina

No, I didn't hear what he was saying, but I agree with Dan. I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.

Dan

No matter how dumb they are.

Gary

[holding dress] What do you think a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.

Selina

You know what "trim" is?

Gary

Yeah?

Selina

It's twat.

Selina

What a fucking misery marathon that was. [Looks around] Where is everybody?

Mike

Dan had a nervous collapse, Amy's taking him to the hospital, Ben went back to DC, Kent's firing Ray, and I'm in charge.

Selina

...Fuck.

Mike

I know, right?

Selina

I should just go back out there. Did you see that?

Mike

Yeah, I saw.

Selina

Why? Why am I in London talking about my enormous jiggly-ass ass?

Gary

Ma'am, but people love people who were, like, fat, then they're no longer fat.

Selina

No, they don't.

Gary

Right.

Selina

Fat people don't even vote. They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? No food in the voting booth.

Gary

She's coming... she's coming...

Mike

I think Gary's about to come.

Gary

What do you think of the new cut, huh? Do you like it?

Mike

Of course I don't fucking like it! It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy!

Gary

The elven look is in right now, I was reading about it.

Mike

People don't elect elves, okay. They put them to work in grottos or get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them.

Gary

That's dwarves.

Selina

Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?

Amy

It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.

Gary

I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.

Selina

Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the President. I can fuck anybody I want now, right?

Amy

All the other ones have.

Mike

It's good we won Dixville Notch.

Dan

It's got a population of 12, Mike.

Mike

I know, Dan, but it's famous.

Gary

Our Lord Jesus started with 12.

Ben

Well, he didn't win New Hampshire, either.

Selina

Who do you think you are? Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you First Lady, because I don't remember marrying you, Gary! I don't remember fucking you in Niagara Falls! I think I'd remember that!

Gary

Ma'am, I'm really sorry for the painting, and I'm really sorry for the spending, but you have to understand—

Selina

Oh, shut up! Just shut up! You are unimportant! And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield!

Gary

That is not true, ma'am.

Selina

You think you're some sort of a big shot here? Oh, my God, you are not a big shot here, Gary! You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers! God!

Gary

You're wrong.

Selina

Excuse me?!

Gary

When's Catherine's birthday?

Selina

June 8th—

Gary

Ninth.

Selina

Ninth!

Gary

Which senator's daughter's in rehab?

Selina

You're out of line, missy!

Gary

Geldray. What are you wearing tomorrow?

Selina

I don't know!

Gary

I do, I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball!

Selina

No you're not!

Gary

Yes I am!

Selina

NO YOU'RE NOT!

Gary

I have broken my body for you!

Selina

Oh, come on.

Gary

I've let myself be laughed at, I've let myself be humiliated, but I'm happy to do it! Most times, you don't even know that I exist, BUT I AM FUCKING EVERYTHING TO YOU!

Selina

Oh, I am so happy to find somebody else to get me my hand cream!

Gary

Okay, go!

Selina

Yeah!

Gary

Can you find somebody else who did what I did?!

Selina

You mean on Labor Day?

Gary

I didn't say that.

Selina

Yeah you did, you ju— you just said "Labor Day".

Gary

I said I would never mention that ever.

Kent

Yeah... Vermont and Connecticut, yup, they're for us.

Gary

Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!

Selina

Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.

Selina

Oh, Gary! I asked a friend to come and be with me tonight.

Gary

How nice!

Selina

Yeah, Karen.

Ben

Fuck!

Selina

Jesus Christ, you know? You do your best, you try to serve the people, and then they just fuck you over.

Gary

Yep.

Selina

And you know why? Because they're ignorant, and they're dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy. Goddammit.