Amy Brookheimer quotes from Veep

Amy

Uh, Mike, have you announced Chuck yet?

Mike

I'm still working on it, Amy.

Amy

Oh, come on. This is not the Hoover Dam.

Mike

Yeah, it is the Hoover Dam... filled with shit. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that shit, Amy?

Amy

Uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?

Mike

Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.

Amy

And there it is.

Amy

Hi, Sidney. How are you?

Sidney Purcell

Oh, you know, full of free shrimp.

Amy

Hey, here's the thing: Clean Jobs...

Sidney Purcell

Clean Jobs, yeah. What's going on there? You guys got a name yet? You too afraid of wrecking the Earth's resources to print up a press release?

Amy

I was actually gonna run a name by you...

Sidney Purcell

Don't say Chuck Furnham. [sees Amy's expression] Do not say Chuck Furnham! If you say Chuck Furnham, I will go into anaphylactic fucking shock.

Amy

I'm saying Chuck Furnham—

Sidney Purcell

FUCKING HELL!! Are you kidding me? Chuck Furnham, that's fucking official?!

Amy

Chuck is oil.

Sidney Purcell

No. No, no. Hey, I'm sorry, no. He's not oil. He's a fucking fossil but he's not oil. We need somebody who is plugged in. The only thing Chuck is plugged into is his fucking piss-bag.

Gary

You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.

Selina

Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."

Amy

People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.

Selina

Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are fucking idiots.

Gary

What did you do?

Amy

You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.

Gary

Ooh.

Amy

7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.

Gary

Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Dan

I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. That was fuckin' dark. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.

Amy

Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.

Dan

Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.

Amy

Eh— I am taking the credit for this. I tunneled through the shit, I get the dirty glory. It is me who tells Selina the good news.

Gary

Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?

Amy

No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-Span. The irony would be too huge.

Selina

[after a secret service agent laughs at her joke] That was totally inappropriate.

Amy

Inappropriate.

Selina

That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.

Amy

I'll see to it.

Selina

Yeah.

Sidney Purcell

I don't have any children. I have a niece and I fucking hate her.

Amy

How charming. I need to be getting home, so...

Sidney Purcell

You know I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, then you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. This bill is a fucking disgrace, and I'm going to see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. Just wanted to let you know.

Selina

"Viagra Prohibitor"? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?

Amy

No. It means that even if a guy uses it...

Selina

...It doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.

Gary

God, no.

Amy

You said you had thick skin.

Gary

Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?

Amy

No, Gary.

Gary

That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.

Amy

Fuck.

Gary

Okay.

Mike

Which way are you gonna vote?

Selina

The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.

Amy

Okay.

Selina

Which way do you think that should be?

Amy

You okay? You seem to be phoning it in a little.

Selina

You know what, Amy? I'm the Veep I never wanted to be. I'm talking salad wraps and body mass index to these idiots.

Amy

You should really just go and—

Selina

Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.

Amy

Selina might be pregnant. What do we wanna do?

Mike

Is this for real? 'Cause if it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.

Dan

[seeing a pregnancy test Amy is buying for Selina] Holy sh— Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo.

Amy

Thanks for the support.

Dan

So I guess you're gonna be needing maternity leave. I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.

Amy

That is literally your first thought?

Dan

No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.

Amy

Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him Fuck Weasel.

Dan

So what do you think is she really pregnant?

Amy

How should I know?

Dan

You're a woman.

Amy

You think as a woman I might sense some disturbance in, fucking what, the lady matrix?

Amy

You know, I saw a guitar in there. You play the guitar, right?

Dan

Not in this situation!

Amy

Yes! Yes!

Dan

No, my guitar is for seduction, not crowd control. Granted, on a good night that's one and the same, but still.

Amy

No, we're finding the guitar. That's what we're doing.