Amy Brookheimer quotes from Veep

Gary

Selina's had a miscarriage.

Dan

Well, this is good for us.

Amy

Nicely done, Dandroid.

Mike

How is she?

Dan

Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.

Sue

That's deep space cold, Dan.

Mike

Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.

Amy

Okay, there's a White House request to publish all the secret service office personnel records.

Selina

Are you kidding me? They want our records now? What are we gonna do?

Amy

Yeah...

Selina

What?

Amy

Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking why not release all of our fucking records? Full disclosure.

Selina

Are you serious?

Amy

Yeah, publish everything. All of our emails, all of our phone records.

Mike

Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything. I mean, you can't read everything. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.

Amy

So by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.

Selina

Dan, what do you think about this?

Dan

I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.

Amy

Just because this isn't your baby, you don't care to— God, I am so sorry.

Selina

Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence. Full disclosure is now the name of the game. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it. Right, Mike?

Mike

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Okay. Thank you. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light. We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs. There can be no- Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down? Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to clean jobs, all right? We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.

Mike

The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.

Selina

Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure. But the thing is, is that I still think there needs to be something embarrassing in there. You know what I mean?

Amy

Sure.

Selina

So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.

Selina

I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me. [Amy shakes her head] What is that... nodding thing supposed to mean?

Amy

No, no, my— processing information. The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.

Selina

Oh, well, once your done buffering, what is it that you're thinking?

Amy

I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.

Selina

What do you mean?

Amy

Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off. And now he just doesn't like what's un—

Selina

Doesn't like what?

Amy

He just doesn't— doesn't really—

Selina

Okay, I think you'd better get out of my office.

Jonah

Hi, everybody. [no one says anything] So no apologies?

Amy

For what?

Jonah

Oh, for what? Oh. "Washington Post." Page 17. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions for an unnamed White House aide. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick." [people laugh and Mike points to himself] "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat in the shape of a dick."

Dan

Oh, that made it in there!

Jonah

Everybody knows this is me, guys.

Selina

Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it?

Amy

I wouldn't presume they took turns.

Selina

Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time. Do you understand that?

Selina

We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.

Sue

Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.

Selina

Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.

Amy

He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.

Selina

Seriously?!

Mike

Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.

Selina

That's a good one, Mike!

Mike

Yes, ma'am.

Amy

Christ, it's everywhere.

Dan

Alright, well, if it's just a film studies essay then...

Amy

No. Catherine's essay is about Emad Burnat's movie 5 Broken Cameras.

Dan

Alright, if Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.

Amy

It's about non-violent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement of the West Bank.

Dan

That doesn't sounds like one of Owen's.

Amy

She talks about "the masterly portrayal of brutal, illegal Israeli aggression."

Dan

Ouch.

Amy

We have to issue a statement.

Dan

All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement. I mean, hit F9 and print that fucker out.

Amy

No, this needs to be top-notch. This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.

Kent

I cook these noodles every day.

Jonah

Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this. [Kent glares] I will leave.

Kent

They need to be heated at 800 watts for 3:35. Any more and they'll dry out, any less and they will be flaccid and damp like...a lady's hair in the rain.

Amy

Why are we talking about noodles?

Ben

No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?

Kent

I'll tell you why. Hostage crisis, noodles, same principle. Both require precision timing, neither should be rushed. Inaction only becomes untenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with casualties.

Amy

So you'd like me to tell the Vice President we do nothing until then?

Kent

Waiting is not doing nothing. I choose to wait for my noodles even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds. But they will thank me because I waited until... [snaps his fingers at the exact same moment as the microwave dings]

Ben

...You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.

Selina

[to Cliff, the substitute Sue] Move everything off of the 6th for me, you can clear that. [walks into her office]

Yes, ma'am. The only thing I need to move is the Senator Swearing-in Ceremony, so we're good.

Selina

[slowly walks back out of her office] ...What?

The, uh, Senator Swearing-in Ceremony?

Selina

You said that everything was moveable, and that's not moveable. That's immoveable.

Surely nothing is immoveable.

Selina

[turns to Amy] Amy, this is like explaining gravity to a chicken!

Amy

The Senator Swearing-in Ceremony is set in stone. She's the President of the Senate. She swears in all newly elected senators.

Selina

Right? You get that? You understand it? Do you need to Google it??

[grinning nervously] No, no, ma'am, I understand.

Selina

I don't think you do understand, because you are grinning. Why are you grinning?

I'm not grinning.

Selina

You are grinning! You have made a fuck-up the size of France, and you are fucking grinning about it!

I'm trying not to, I'm not sure why my face is doing this.

Selina

Goddammit!

Amy

Oh. Dan.

Dan

This is awkward. Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.

Amy

Well, my sister would never be at an orgy. Too uptight. She would want health records from everyone— and just kill the momentum and...

Dan

Okay. I'm disappointed in you. This is behavior I would expect from myself. But from you? Uh-uh.

Amy

Let's cut the crap. We're both here for Chung.

Dan

So we both jump together. You know, Butch and Sundance.

Amy

Don't they both die?

Dan

No, not when they jump. They die at the end.

Jonah

Knock, knock! J-rock o'clock! Somebody order boom service? As a senior White House official I am commandeering this situation, Mike. Alright, what have you guys got for me?

Amy

Okay, she just walked through a glass door which is somewhat ironic, building up to an invisible primary, and she is temporarily insane on a cocktail of happy pills. Over to you. Captain.

Mike

You just broke his brain, Amy.

Dan

Jesus, look at that stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.

Amy

How bad is she?

She's fine. It's just superficial cuts.

Amy

Did you give her any painkillers, or...

I didn't want to do that because she's already on St. John's Wort.

Dan

I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.

Amy

Ma'am. Uh, how are you?

Selina

Look, Amy, watch this. Look how tiny I can make myself. Watch this.

Amy

But the donor meeting has been cancelled, yes?

Selina

I'm not doing that thing. Seriously, screw all those people. God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on D.C.

Gary

Ooh.

Selina

Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues? Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his... It's true. He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face. Can you imagine fucking that guy?

Jonah

There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?

Amy

Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.

Dan

[as Amy pulls a phone out of her panties] You keep a second phone there? Hypocritical... and horny.

One... two...

Amy

Shit on my tits! Maddox just resigned.