Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Gary

[after faking a call from POTUS] FYI, the President is not calling.

Selina

FYI, Gary, no shit.

Selina

[after a secret service agent laughs at her joke] That was totally inappropriate.

Amy

Inappropriate.

Selina

That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.

Amy

I'll see to it.

Selina

Yeah.

Selina

"Viagra Prohibitor"? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?

Amy

No. It means that even if a guy uses it...

Selina

...It doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.

Gary

God, no.

Amy

You said you had thick skin.

Gary

Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?

Amy

No, Gary.

Gary

That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.

Amy

Fuck.

Gary

Okay.

Mike

You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.

Dan

Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.

Selina

Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?

Dan

Mm-hmm.

Mike

Mm-hmm.

Selina

Who's gonna go first?

Mike

Ladies first.

Selina

So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.

Dan

Sure. This is class genocide.

Selina

This is this um, huh?

Dan

This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.

Selina

Okay.

Dan

Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.

Selina

Wow.

Gary

Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?

Selina

Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...

Mike

My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...

Selina

All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.

Selina

Dan? Did your boyfriend know anything about this?

Dan

I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence!

Selina

That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo!

Dan

I thought—

Selina

No, no! Let me be more clear: it doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS! Get out of my office.

Mike

Which way are you gonna vote?

Selina

The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.

Amy

Okay.

Selina

Which way do you think that should be?

Amy

You okay? You seem to be phoning it in a little.

Selina

You know what, Amy? I'm the Veep I never wanted to be. I'm talking salad wraps and body mass index to these idiots.

Amy

You should really just go and—

Selina

Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.

Dan

Wait a second. So— Ma'am— So you're the one who's pregnant?

Selina

I might be pregnant.

Dan

So we're looking at a wedding.

Selina

Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.

Jonah

[entering the office] White House is in the house. Everybody say way-o!

Selina

[turning away] The skyscraper of shit has arrived.

Amy

Okay, there's a White House request to publish all the secret service office personnel records.

Selina

Are you kidding me? They want our records now? What are we gonna do?

Amy

Yeah...

Selina

What?

Amy

Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking why not release all of our fucking records? Full disclosure.

Selina

Are you serious?

Amy

Yeah, publish everything. All of our emails, all of our phone records.

Mike

Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything. I mean, you can't read everything. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.

Amy

So by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.

Selina

Dan, what do you think about this?

Dan

I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.

Amy

Just because this isn't your baby, you don't care to— God, I am so sorry.

Selina

Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence. Full disclosure is now the name of the game. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it. Right, Mike?

Mike

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Okay. Thank you. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light. We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs. There can be no- Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down? Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to clean jobs, all right? We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.

Mike

The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.

Selina

Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure. But the thing is, is that I still think there needs to be something embarrassing in there. You know what I mean?

Amy

Sure.

Selina

So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.

Selina

I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me. [Amy shakes her head] What is that... nodding thing supposed to mean?

Amy

No, no, my— processing information. The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.

Selina

Oh, well, once your done buffering, what is it that you're thinking?

Amy

I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.

Selina

What do you mean?

Amy

Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off. And now he just doesn't like what's un—

Selina

Doesn't like what?

Amy

He just doesn't— doesn't really—

Selina

Okay, I think you'd better get out of my office.

Hey, you know what? Thanks for returning my call. The message was, "Please don't fucking call me again." So why don't you just take your beak and shove it up some corpse's ass, okay, you vulture motherfucker?

Selina

Was that a journalist?

Yes.

Selina

Oh, God! What are you doing, Ted? You can't tell him to fuck his mother!

Her mother, actually.

Selina

What the hell.

Gary

The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.

Selina

I know.

Gary

We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. [she gives him a look] Or a ballerina or modern dancer.

Mike

Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... he's back. He's been un-reassigned.

Selina

Are you kidding me?

Mike

Not great, admittedly.

Selina

"Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.

Mike

How you feeling?

Selina

Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm emotional time bomb. So here's an idea: let's put me onstage.