Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Selina

God, that is the most grotesque country I have ever been in, and I have been all over Florida!

Selina

[at a sheik's funeral] It's like six degrees of Al-Qaeda in here. I hope we don't drone this place while we're in it.

Selina

[to Mike regarding his sunscreen] You look like the world's least fucked geisha.

Selina

I have got a White House book that is hotter than "Nancy Reagan's Guide to Cock-Sucking."

Selina

My presidency just got caught with a tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard, and I have to make America think I was just giving her a ride home.

Selina

God bless America for hating women almost as much as I do!

Selina

Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face!

Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.

Selina

I know.

I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there.

Dan

[laughs] That's a good one.

Dan

I really admired your primaries campaign.

Selina

Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.

Dan

Two things I would have done differently.

Selina

Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?

Dan

I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.

Gary

Ooh!

Dan

You're the pro.

Selina

Okay. What do you think of Dan?

Amy

Oh, Dan is a shit.

Selina

You want to expand on that?

Amy

Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.

Selina

See, I—

Amy

'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.

Mike

Just a small change in the speech.

Selina

What is that?

Mike

Plastics apparently talked to the President. The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. Just wing it.

Selina

This has been pencil-fucked completely?

Mike

Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.

Selina

That's the entire speech, okay? What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... prepositions.

Selina

Oh, my God, this heat is just unbearable.

Gary

I feel like a gecko.

Amy

Sorry to interrupt, but fuck-a-deedoo-dah, fuck-a-dee-ay! Martin at the White House.

Selina

What?

Amy

"Clean Jobs task force likely to be green lit!" Exclamation point.

Selina

Yeah! Oh, my God! That is so great for me!

Amy

And the country.

Selina

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Oh, Amy. Good job, Amy.

Amy

That's why I get paid the medium bucks.

Selina

Come on, let's go somewhere. Let's meet the public.

Mike

You want to normalize it?

Selina

Yes, exactly. I want to meet some regulars normals. Where we gonna find them?

Mike

Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.

Jonah

Whassup, as they say in the late '90s?

Selina

Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?

Jonah

No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. [Selina fakes a laugh] I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.

Selina

What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.

Gary

She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.

Gary

You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.

Selina

Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."

Amy

People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.

Selina

Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are fucking idiots.