Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Furlong

Maybe you should make an address, okay? Talk about politics and America working together. People—

Selina

I know how to give a motherfucking speech! Don't you patronize me with your no-jaw. You, Congressman No-Jaw!

Ben

You know what's gonna happen to me tomorrow?

Selina

No.

Ben

Yeah. My good friend POTUS? My Gamma Chi brother? He's gonna summon me to his office, he's gonna show me a sword, and he's gonna tell me to take the sword and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass!

You're like Neo.

Dan

Wow.

Selina

What's a Neo?

He's from The Matrix. Everything he does is awesome.

The first movie. The sequels sucked.

Jonah

Guys, we agreed to let The Matrix debate lie.

Dan

Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.

Selina

[very tired, hearing she has interviews to do] Oh, God.

Gary

Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?

Selina

No.

Gary

No?

Selina

I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.

Selina

Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it?

Amy

I wouldn't presume they took turns.

Selina

Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time. Do you understand that?

Selina

We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.

Sue

Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.

Selina

Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.

Amy

He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.

Selina

Seriously?!

Mike

Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.

Selina

That's a good one, Mike!

Mike

Yes, ma'am.

Jonah

POTUS wants me to monitor "U.S.Hey!" as kinda my pet project!

Selina

Oh, for fuck's sakes...

Mike

This must the first pet project of yours that didn't involve resorting to choloroform.

Jonah

Yeah, well, it's early days, Mike.

Jonah

Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oh, hello, little girl. Office of the president. Please step off to the side. Thank you. Ma'am, I have been charged with informing you that you need to get your daughter Catherine to apologize unequivocally and immediately.

Selina

Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.

Ben

[to Selina] Remind me, you said what? Your response needs to be what?

Selina

"Robust."

Ben

"Robust." [to SecDef Maddox] And you said?

"Aggressive."

Ben

You see the problem?

Selina

No, I don't.

Ben

They're different words! Yeah, and saying different words means what? It means, we're not on the same...

Selina

...diet?

Ben

Page!

Selina

Oh! I thought you were gonna say "diet," Ben! I don't like your tone.

And I don't have to answer to you, Ben. Or to Lara Croft here for that matter.

Ben

Yeah, perhaps not. But we all work for the President.

Selina

Oh, where is the Great and Powerful Oz, by the way??

Ben

Listen, we all know the White House would work so much better if there wasn't a President but there is. So, we work around that. And we do that by sticking to the same fucking words.

And it's your job to coordinate that, maestro!

Ben

That's right. So from now on the words are "calculated response."

Selina

"Calculated?" That sounds so...

...calculated?

Selina

Pussy-ass! That's what I was gonna say.

Selina

[to Cliff, the substitute Sue] Move everything off of the 6th for me, you can clear that. [walks into her office]

Yes, ma'am. The only thing I need to move is the Senator Swearing-in Ceremony, so we're good.

Selina

[slowly walks back out of her office] ...What?

The, uh, Senator Swearing-in Ceremony?

Selina

You said that everything was moveable, and that's not moveable. That's immoveable.

Surely nothing is immoveable.

Selina

[turns to Amy] Amy, this is like explaining gravity to a chicken!

Amy

The Senator Swearing-in Ceremony is set in stone. She's the President of the Senate. She swears in all newly elected senators.

Selina

Right? You get that? You understand it? Do you need to Google it??

[grinning nervously] No, no, ma'am, I understand.

Selina

I don't think you do understand, because you are grinning. Why are you grinning?

I'm not grinning.

Selina

You are grinning! You have made a fuck-up the size of France, and you are fucking grinning about it!

I'm trying not to, I'm not sure why my face is doing this.

Selina

Goddammit!

Gary

Hey, ma'am? How would you like, like, a nice little almond croissant?

Selina

Oh yeah, I would love that.

Gary

Okay, okay! [heads for the door]

Selina

Can you make it a big one? You know, so you can stuff me inside of it and smuggle me outta here?

Gary

Of course I can!

Selina

Gary, deflower the room.

Dan

[to Gary] There's a sentence I bet you thought you'd never hear.

I got you a glass of champagne.

Selina

Thank you, Rahim. You drink alcohol?

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Oh, you Iranians are full of surprises.

Ben

Madam Vice President, greatest respect, but it has been the job of the VP over the ages to take it in the ass to save the president.

Selina

Yeah, let me tell you something. This ass is closed for business. This ass is in clench-down. I don't want to be a decoy. Let the president take it in the ass. He might like it.

Selina

Go fuck yourself, Jonah.

Jonah

But ma'am, I'm G8 advanced team!

Selina

Go, period. Fuck, period. Yourself, exclamation point!