Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps · Season 3, Episode 6
[to Donna, who is asleep] [In New York accent] Wake up and smell the caw-fee!
oh, Gaz, I was having the best dream ever then.
Was it about me, the Sugababes and loads of coal?
No, I dreamt I was asleep.
Yeah, and?
Yeah, that was it, I was asleep, and then this stupid monkey came in and said [in New York accent] "Wake up and smell the caw-fee!"
[to David, when he tells her to do some T'ai Chi with him] Ok, but don't expect me to join your cult.
...it's not a cult.
That's what the Britannia Music Club said.
[to Janet, about her excitement about her dress] You don't see me and Gaz jumping around going "ooh, Look at my fancy new pants! They cost me a month's wages and I'm never wearing them again, hooray!"
Well, I know Gaz wouldn't pay a fortune for something that he could only use once and think it was great.
What about when he lost his virginity to Dirty Lil?
That wasn't a month's wages, it was two cans of White Lightning.
All I'm saying is if you pay a bomb for something, it needs to be used and used and used again until it breaks. Like Gareth Gates.
Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man, And I'm all alone in a- sea of nothing, with, with like, nothingness all around me, like a big lonely tyre.
Look, here's twenty quid--
[Snatching the note] --off you pop!
[Janet leaves, Jonny picks up the phone.]
Gaz, pub!
[Transition shows Donna and Louise meet up]
Dresses, Dresses, Dresses!
[Transition then shows Gaz running out of his flat]
Pub, Pub, Pub, Pub!
[Inside the Wedding dress shop, Louise enters in Janet's chosen wedding dress]
[Gasp] You look like a sweet!
...a sweet what?
No, just a sweet, like a Campino, or a truffle. Better than that, you look like a toilet roll cover!
Thank you!
That's a wedding dress...
Janet, we're in a wedding dress shop, what do you expect me to be wearing? The Turin Shroud?
Well, why don't we [Louise and Donna] try a dress on each for fun, and then you can dress us however you like, like lobsters, or like Pig-women if need be.
I'm not dressing like pig-woman. She was my least favourite Spice Girl.
[Singing to the tune of the wedding march, holding Louise's dress train] Bah-rum-da-dah
Bah-rum-da-dah
Look at Louise in the lovely, lovely dress
You have to sing at the wedding now!
Oh, can I Janet?
Stop it.
There's more.
[Singing again]
Check out the dress
The dress is great
I think I should try one on... round about now
[Gaz is motivating Jonny to carry the large keg of "beer" as he can't carry it himself.]
It's bloody heavy! Have you never carried 40 pints?
Well, only in my bladder.
You take it the rest of the way.
I would but...
But what?
Well, I've...I've broke me arm [sic]
[Jonny looks at him skeptically]
Well, it's not broke, it's...
Well, use your other arm!
No way!
Why not?
'Cos it's the arm I use for pleasuring myself... and others.
Hey, I'll coach you, eh? ... Come on!
Christ. I'm only taking it as far as the garage.
[Drill Sergeant Style] Carrying beer's what Jon does best, hoo! hoo!
His keg's bigger than all the rest...
You twat.
[resuming his Drill Sergeant's chant] He may or may not be wearing a vest...
Oh, my God.
And now I'm going to think of Jo Guest,
Jo Guest, one, two,
Big Breasts, Three-four!
[Janet is in the wedding shop, trying to preoccupy Louise and Donna so she can find her dress. She calls Donna and Louise over.]
[She shows Donna a tartan dress]
I didn't know you were Scottish.
Um... well, Jonny is. Or his Dad is. He is um... Jonny McCloud of the Clan McCloud...
Yeah, that was "Highlander".
Anyway, look, I thout it would be really nice for him to see his family's tartan on his wedding day, so, there you go!
But there's only one dress.
In that case, Louise, you can try this on.
[Janet shows Louise a vivid Green dress]
Um... but this isn't Tartan, we won't match.
No, no, that dress has been um... chosen to represent Jonny's love of... green stuff.
Yeah, but, um, Janet?
Yeah?
...These dresses ming.
[Donna and Louise come out in their dresses.]
[reg. Janet] She's mad! What's her first dance going to be? "Agadoo?"
No, she'll choose something about Jonny, like "Johnny B Goode" or "Jilted John".
Ooh, that's clever!
...Or "Jonny Put Your Shoes Back On, You're Making Me Retch."
No, I don't know that one.
It's the one I hum to myself whenever I see him.
Do you think we should tell Janet we hate the dresses?
Um... she's nearly broken me twice this year, merely by looking at me funny.
Looking at your what?
[Grabbing Janet in her dress around the waist and breasts] That dress is just womanliness gone mad!
Are you sure you're on commission, and not just coming onto me?
You are stunning...
[Gaz is about to open the keg of beer]
Right, I'm gonna shove it in the hole, you catch what squirts out.
Don't use language like that, not in a male environment.
Jonny, d'you want some beer, or d'you want a big, fat smack?
[Sarcastically, in a 'Gay' voice] Well, it depends what you're gonna smack me with.
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