LouiseI need to know if he fancies me, because quite frankly my late-night Sting fantasies are wearing a bit thin; it's always the same plot.
Played by Kathryn Drysdale
Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps · 82 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps: in 15 of its 82 quotes
Most scenes with: Donna (7), Janet (4)
Lines by Louise 7
LouiseLouiseYou've never practiced safe sex in your life. You've picked up more dirt than a JCB in your time.
S1 E6 Ugly Babies
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LouiseDon't you know how much babies cost? More than a Peugeot!
S1 E6 Ugly Babies
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Louise[sniffing the card her secret admirer sent her] Who do I know who smells of paper?
S3 E2 Fish
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LouiseI will neither play or be playant of the games and or gaming tactics employed by both sexes in accordance with the laws set by herself, Mother Nature.
S3 E3 Kangaroo
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LouiseI dreamt about a princess who was given a box of diamonds by a handsome prince one day and the next day he gave her a bag of spit that he'd sucked out of a cow - What do you think it means?
S3 E8 Jammy Dodgers
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LouiseI can get us in the place cause all the bouncers know my face.
Scenes with Louise 8
Louise[to David, when he tells her to do some T'ai Chi with him] Ok, but don't expect me to join your cult.
DDavid
...it's not a cult.
LouiseThat's what the Britannia Music Club said.
Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man, And I'm all alone in a- sea of nothing, with, with like, nothingness all around me, like a big lonely tyre.
Look, here's twenty quid--
[Snatching the note] --off you pop!
[Janet leaves, Jonny picks up the phone.]
Gaz, pub!
[Transition shows Donna and Louise meet up]
DLDonna and Louise
Dresses, Dresses, Dresses!
[Transition then shows Gaz running out of his flat]
Pub, Pub, Pub, Pub!
[Inside the Wedding dress shop, Louise enters in Janet's chosen wedding dress]
[Gasp] You look like a sweet!
Louise...a sweet what?
No, just a sweet, like a Campino, or a truffle. Better than that, you look like a toilet roll cover!
LouiseThank you!
That's a wedding dress...
LouiseJanet, we're in a wedding dress shop, what do you expect me to be wearing? The Turin Shroud?
Well, why don't we [Louise and Donna] try a dress on each for fun, and then you can dress us however you like, like lobsters, or like Pig-women if need be.
LouiseI'm not dressing like pig-woman. She was my least favourite Spice Girl.
[Singing to the tune of the wedding march, holding Louise's dress train] Bah-rum-da-dah
Bah-rum-da-dah
Look at Louise in the lovely, lovely dress
LouiseYou have to sing at the wedding now!
Oh, can I Janet?
Stop it.
There's more.
[Singing again]
Check out the dress
The dress is great
I think I should try one on... round about now
[Janet is in the wedding shop, trying to preoccupy Louise and Donna so she can find her dress. She calls Donna and Louise over.]
[She shows Donna a tartan dress]
I didn't know you were Scottish.
Um... well, Jonny is. Or his Dad is. He is um... Jonny McCloud of the Clan McCloud...
Yeah, that was "Highlander".
Anyway, look, I thout it would be really nice for him to see his family's tartan on his wedding day, so, there you go!
LouiseBut there's only one dress.
In that case, Louise, you can try this on.
[Janet shows Louise a vivid Green dress]
LouiseUm... but this isn't Tartan, we won't match.
No, no, that dress has been um... chosen to represent Jonny's love of... green stuff.
Yeah, but, um, Janet?
Yeah?
...These dresses ming.
[Donna and Louise come out in their dresses.]
[reg. Janet] She's mad! What's her first dance going to be? "Agadoo?"
LouiseNo, she'll choose something about Jonny, like "Johnny B Goode" or "Jilted John".
Ooh, that's clever!
Louise...Or "Jonny Put Your Shoes Back On, You're Making Me Retch."
No, I don't know that one.
LouiseIt's the one I hum to myself whenever I see him.
Do you think we should tell Janet we hate the dresses?
LouiseUm... she's nearly broken me twice this year, merely by looking at me funny.
Looking at your what?
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