Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps quotes

Donna

No, I'm fine with porn - what I'm not fine with is enough porn to keep the entire British forces from missing their girlfriends!

Janet

I got into his head. It's amazing what a bit of male psychological manipulation can do. And getting my baps out on the first date didn't do any harm either.

Jonny

(Waking up) Rock me, Amadeus.

Gaz

I am the master of cunning.

Donna

[to Gaz] There is to be no dumping. I just think you've got a nice body and I'd like to bounce around on top of it occasionally. None of this boyfriendy girlfriendy stuff.

Flo

Don't be late, I'm making take-away for tea!

Gaz

I'm laying down the seeds for my reign of power over Donna. See, the more I don't phone her the more desperate and insecure she becomes, soon she will surrender to my constant demand for sexual gratification.

Gaz

(In the pub, holding a steak and kidney pie) Who invented the pie? I mean what a genius. 'Cause you've got the subtle flavour of the steak, mixed with the texture of the finest kidney, and all that against the magnificent backdrop of the crumbly buttery pastry. If that man was here now I'd shake his hand.

Jonny

I'd kiss him.

Gaz

You big poof!

Louise

I need to know if he fancies me, because quite frankly my late-night Sting fantasies are wearing a bit thin; it's always the same plot.

Gaz

Women don't cheat on me. I'm just so pretty.

Gaz

Why are we sitting here while our women are sucking the fat out of someone else's sausage?!

Jonny

My brain is only strong enough to stop me from farting in front of you.

Flo

Your girlfriend's mother is the biggest taboo of all.