JanetI got into his head. It's amazing what a bit of male psychological manipulation can do. And getting my baps out on the first date didn't do any harm either.
Played by Sheridan Smith
Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps · 82 quotes
5th most-quoted character in Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps: in 12 of its 82 quotes
Most scenes with: Donna (5), Jonny (4), Louise (4)
Lines by Janet 3
JanetJanet"Louise, you have the morals of a magpie who haunts the same gene pool as Adolf Hitler and Anthea Turner"
S1 E5 Lard
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JanetWe have some spare va va voom in the kitchen if you want to borrow it.
S2 E3 Dirty Girls
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Scenes with Janet 9
My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari.
JanetJonny, I'm not Pregnant.
Thank fuck for that!
S1 E6 Ugly Babies
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JanetYou're gonna marry me whether you like it or not and it's gonna be friggin' marvellous, okay?!
You know, I think my proposal was better. Yours was just rude.
S3 E4 Beastiality
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Well, I know Gaz wouldn't pay a fortune for something that he could only use once and think it was great.
JanetWhat about when he lost his virginity to Dirty Lil?
That wasn't a month's wages, it was two cans of White Lightning.
Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man, And I'm all alone in a- sea of nothing, with, with like, nothingness all around me, like a big lonely tyre.
JanetLook, here's twenty quid--
[Snatching the note] --off you pop!
[Janet leaves, Jonny picks up the phone.]
Gaz, pub!
[Transition shows Donna and Louise meet up]
DLDonna and Louise
Dresses, Dresses, Dresses!
[Transition then shows Gaz running out of his flat]
Pub, Pub, Pub, Pub!
[Inside the Wedding dress shop, Louise enters in Janet's chosen wedding dress]
[Gasp] You look like a sweet!
...a sweet what?
No, just a sweet, like a Campino, or a truffle. Better than that, you look like a toilet roll cover!
Thank you!
JanetThat's a wedding dress...
Janet, we're in a wedding dress shop, what do you expect me to be wearing? The Turin Shroud?
[Singing to the tune of the wedding march, holding Louise's dress train] Bah-rum-da-dah
Bah-rum-da-dah
Look at Louise in the lovely, lovely dress
You have to sing at the wedding now!
Oh, can I Janet?
JanetStop it.
There's more.
[Singing again]
Check out the dress
The dress is great
I think I should try one on... round about now
[Janet is in the wedding shop, trying to preoccupy Louise and Donna so she can find her dress. She calls Donna and Louise over.]
[She shows Donna a tartan dress]
I didn't know you were Scottish.
JanetUm... well, Jonny is. Or his Dad is. He is um... Jonny McCloud of the Clan McCloud...
Yeah, that was "Highlander".
JanetAnyway, look, I thout it would be really nice for him to see his family's tartan on his wedding day, so, there you go!
But there's only one dress.
JanetIn that case, Louise, you can try this on.
[Janet shows Louise a vivid Green dress]
Um... but this isn't Tartan, we won't match.
JanetNo, no, that dress has been um... chosen to represent Jonny's love of... green stuff.
Yeah, but, um, Janet?
JanetYeah?
...These dresses ming.
BWBridal Woman
[Grabbing Janet in her dress around the waist and breasts] That dress is just womanliness gone mad!
JanetAre you sure you're on commission, and not just coming onto me?
BWBridal Woman
You are stunning...
(Giving Janet advice on her sex life) Try doing something Kate never did for him
JanetOoh... well I do have an incredibly flexible twat.
S4 E8 Filthy Brunching
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