Gaz quotes from Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

Gaz

I am the master of cunning.

Gaz

I'm laying down the seeds for my reign of power over Donna. See, the more I don't phone her the more desperate and insecure she becomes, soon she will surrender to my constant demand for sexual gratification.

Gaz

(In the pub, holding a steak and kidney pie) Who invented the pie? I mean what a genius. 'Cause you've got the subtle flavour of the steak, mixed with the texture of the finest kidney, and all that against the magnificent backdrop of the crumbly buttery pastry. If that man was here now I'd shake his hand.

Gaz

You big poof!

Gaz

Women don't cheat on me. I'm just so pretty.

Gaz

Why are we sitting here while our women are sucking the fat out of someone else's sausage?!

Gaz

I need a sort of chunky woman, you know, who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath.

Gaz

We got our women pregnant at the same time. We've got telepathic testicles.

Gaz

Pissing outside is one of life's greatest pleasures.

Gaz

Well what? Is it me? Do I repulse you? Look, I can stop yelling, "Tina Arena you will be mine" at the moment of climax.

Gaz

[to Donna] I've never asked you this before and it seems a bit stupid since we've been shagging each other's brains out for the last month but… would you like to go for a drink sometime?

Gaz

Donna, you look... beautiful; would you like to be my pop tart and live in my toaster of love?

Gaz

There's no such thing as a perfect couple. Well, except Chris Evans and Billie. Sat there getting pissed with an 18-year-old every day. How perfect is that?

Gaz

[motivating himself] You are Gaz Wilkinson. A beast of a man. You are strong. You are confident. You are Gaz Wilkinson. And girls want to touch you.

Gaz

[About Munch] He's a complete yoghurt!