GazI am your prince and I shall awaken you with my mighty sword.
S3 E2 Fish
View quote →
Played by Will Mellor
Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps · 82 quotes
Most-quoted character in Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps: in 31 of its 82 quotes
Most scenes with: Jonny (9), Donna (4)
Lines by Gaz 19
GazGazYou didn't know I was afraid of sheep; I didn't know you were afraid of sex.
S3 E2 Fish
View quote →
GazJust try a little brute for men, oh no it all got drank.
GazWe all need a bosom, for a pillow or tit wank.
GazDon't be fooled when you dip'em in your tea,
They're not, they're not gonna make you happy,
Scenes with Gaz 12
GazWhat is a hulk anyway?
I’m not sure. I think it’s a cross between hunk and bulk. Of course, you can’t have The Incredible Hunk, 'cos that just sounds like gay porn.
GazYeah, and you can’t have The Incredible Bulk...'cos that just sounds like gay porn.
S1 E6 Ugly Babies
View quote →
You're scared of sheep?! That's stupid; they can't hurt you.
GazThat's what they want you to think!
S3 E2 Fish
View quote →
She's a funny one is Janet, she'll do anything, things that even I find disgusting. She does things with a cucumber you wouldn't believe.
GazOh yeah, like what?
This one time, I walked into the bedroom and she was lying on the bed with with cucumber slices on her eyes and mud on her face, she's pure dirt!
S3 E3 Kangaroo
View quote →
I can do anything, like a panda.
GazPandas can't do anything! They can't juggle or go to Aldi.
This panda can. Grrr!
S3 E3 Kangaroo
View quote →
Gaz[to Donna, who is asleep] [In New York accent] Wake up and smell the caw-fee!
oh, Gaz, I was having the best dream ever then.
GazWas it about me, the Sugababes and loads of coal?
No, I dreamt I was asleep.
GazYeah, and?
Yeah, that was it, I was asleep, and then this stupid monkey came in and said [in New York accent] "Wake up and smell the caw-fee!"
Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man, And I'm all alone in a- sea of nothing, with, with like, nothingness all around me, like a big lonely tyre.
Look, here's twenty quid--
[Snatching the note] --off you pop!
[Janet leaves, Jonny picks up the phone.]
Gaz, pub!
[Transition shows Donna and Louise meet up]
DLDonna and Louise
Dresses, Dresses, Dresses!
[Transition then shows Gaz running out of his flat]
GazPub, Pub, Pub, Pub!
[Gaz is motivating Jonny to carry the large keg of "beer" as he can't carry it himself.]
It's bloody heavy! Have you never carried 40 pints?
GazWell, only in my bladder.
You take it the rest of the way.
GazI would but...
But what?
GazWell, I've...I've broke me arm [sic]
[Jonny looks at him skeptically]
GazWell, it's not broke, it's...
Well, use your other arm!
GazNo way!
Why not?
Gaz'Cos it's the arm I use for pleasuring myself... and others.
GazHey, I'll coach you, eh? ... Come on!
Christ. I'm only taking it as far as the garage.
Gaz[Drill Sergeant Style] Carrying beer's what Jon does best, hoo! hoo!
His keg's bigger than all the rest...
You twat.
Gaz[resuming his Drill Sergeant's chant] He may or may not be wearing a vest...
Oh, my God.
GazAnd now I'm going to think of Jo Guest,
Jo Guest, one, two,
Big Breasts, Three-four!
[Gaz is about to open the keg of beer]
GazRight, I'm gonna shove it in the hole, you catch what squirts out.
Don't use language like that, not in a male environment.
GazJonny, d'you want some beer, or d'you want a big, fat smack?
[Sarcastically, in a 'Gay' voice] Well, it depends what you're gonna smack me with.
[Gaz and Jonny have just opened a keg of "beer"]
GazWhoa, blue beer! Maybe we're the first ones to see this, we've come across a secret formula
...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
GazNo it can't be...it's a new type of beer this Jon, woo-hoo.
Well, drink it then!
GazAlright, I will!
[Gaz drinks the "blue beer" excitedly]
GazIt's absolutely delicious!
Honest? Honest, is that beer? They must put the brown in afterwards!
[Jonny drinks the blue beer]
[after a beat] ...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
GazI know, I thought we should die together.
We probably need an antidote round about now.
Gaz...Shall we get a pint, then?
[About the noisy scouser neighbours who kept them up all night] Four o'clock in the morning...
GazI know...
And... then they start shagging.
GazYeah, You can't begrudge 'em that, it's every man's right.
Yeah, Gaz, it's every man's right to have sex, it's not everyone's right to go... [In high-pitched Liverpool accent] "BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY Oh, ta, that was sound, let's 'ave more Coke... BABY BABY BABY BABY..."
S3 E7 Fockin Mokky Bokka
View quote →
I don’t need a girlfriend.
GazOh just come out and play.
I’ll tell em that I’m too young.
GazI’ll tell em that your gay
ok ill come for one pint, but then I’ll go back home.
Gaznice one lad you wont regret it.
but ill make sure I'm alone
More Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps characters
All Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps quotes →
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.