SSaleswoman
Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.
Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!
SSaleswoman
Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.
What? For a bunch of fucking books?
SSaleswoman
Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...
Oh no, shh, shh, shh, no, no, no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!
Is that all the money you got, Ricky?
Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.
Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?
[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the saleswoman]
Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!
My God, Lucy, let's...let's get Trinity out of here right now.
Ricky, you did the right thing.
Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.
[unbuckles his belt] It would be my pleasure, Ricky.
Pucker up, boy! [pulls his pants down]
Make it a quick one, Ricky!
[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Jim a peck on the ass]
I can't believe he did that!
[Ricky spits]
I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?
Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!
Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.
A bootlegger...a bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it...'cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation.
Putting you in an awkwardly situation?
Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.
Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!
You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.
It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.
I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was "It's my walkie now," second thing is "You're suspended," and the third thing was "Fuck off."
Strike three, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.
I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here, Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.
[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]
You just crossed the line, Ricky!
[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]
[Trinity runs up to Ricky's car, where he is sleeping on the hood.]
Daddy, wake up! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up, Daddy!
Trinity has got to quit smoking. Like, I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous. She had the idea that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father-daughter thing, so we're going to quit together. We're going to go on the patch.
[Ricky is showing Cory and Trevor how to steal gasoline]
Unleaded, blue container. Supreme, red container. Diesel in the green. Okay? Are we clear here, guys?
Yeah, but how can you tell which is the supreme?
[Trinity throws grass at Cory and slaps his arm three times]
What, are you stupid? You fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.
Will you please. For God sakes, stop it, man. Can you do somethin' about your daughter?
[Trinity slaps Cory's arm again]
Just let her hit you, Cory. Stand down and listen to me.
[Trinity slaps Cory's arm again and they fight each other]
Stop it. I'm not lettin' ya.
Are you gonna fight my daughter who's nine years old?! 'Cause you're probably gonna get hurt, okay? Boys, don't fuck this up. I am your boss. You do what I say when I say it. Or I'll report both of you to Julian and you won't be goin' on this fuckin' cruise, okay?
Come on! That's ridiculous, dude!
[Trinity pushes Cory back]
Cory, shut the fuck up, leave my daughter alone and listen to me. Go to the store, get Julian some rum, and go siphon some fuckin' gas, alright? 'Cause I gotta take Trinity to go get some patches.
[spits gas out of his mouth] Sneeze, old man.
Man, I'm felling sick, dude.
Then we should stop doing this.
Yeah man, but the cruise. We gotta do the cruise.
Yeah. I guess it's not that bad.
[Cory runs away]
[Trevor takes the gas containers and the security guard grabs Trevor]
What the fuck are you doin'?!
[The security guard falls over and Trevor runs away with the gas containers]
PProsecutor
Thank you, Mr. Lahey, for your expert testimony, and for providing this very illuminating tape. Your honor, I think the video evidence clearly speaks for itself, and that any sane and rational person would have no choice but to convict these individuals of these ridiculous crimes.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fuck.
PProsecutor
Oh, F objection! That's the 17th time that he has sworn so far.
Alright, I'm fuck...I'm sorry about the bulls...about all the stuff, but the prosecutor is a f...he's a...he's an effin' bad guy and he's...he's pissin' me off.
PProsecutor
He can't even speak without swearing. Your honor, this is ludicrous. It's a disgrace to these proceedings.
JJudge
Thank you. Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.
JJudge
And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed. But please remember to watch your language.
Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my grade 10, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked. And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit. It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' miss draw.
PProsecutor
This man can't represent anyone! Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!
JJudge
Now, although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.
Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.
[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]
PProsecutor
But I've only got two left!
I don't care. You've been a dick all morning. It's the least you can do for me.
PProsecutor
Oh, for the love of God.
[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]
JJudge
Just the defendant, please.
My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fuckin' grin off his face, because it's distraculating my case. Next I want to announce that Lahey and Randy have been drinkin' all fuckin' day, they're wasted out of their fuckin' minds, and they're both assholes. And the testimony they gave was total fuckin' bullshit. I can prove it and show you what really fuckin' happened here.
Hoy are you doing? What's going on?
Listen, can we talk to J-Roc for 1 minute?
LLinda
Yeah, he's in his room. He can stand the noise. I made some pancake. You want some, Bubbles?
Yes, please. Put some butter onto it.
[Inside J-Roc's trailer, where rap music plays]
LLinda
Jamie! Jamie, your friends are here! Jamie? Turn down that damn music! What can year thing. Come on, Jamie! [opens the door]
LLinda
Ga fuck! You know what I'm sayin'!
[turns off the music] Turn that shit off, muthafucka! I was gettin' changed, you know 'm sayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!
Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!
Turn off the fuckin' camera. What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?
I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!
Changed my ass, you fuckin'...
You non-knockin' muthafuckas!
It wasn't that fucked, you know 'm sayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?
Listen man, I got some good news for ya. Get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.
Aight. [Pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he changed with] Peace, Bub.
You muhfuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was gettin' changed, right?
[Jim and Randy get out of the Fuckmobile]
Julian, what the hell's this shit?
Not breaking any rules here, Jim. Why don't you take your place on J-Roc's property?
So I guess you two can fuck off!
Julian, I told you I didn't want any shit in Sunnyvale. You idiots have loaded up a hair-triggered, double-barreled shit machine gun, and the barrel's pointed straight at your own heads!
So like, the barrel of the gun's bent back?
Let's go, Randy. If these boys want to play hardball, we can play hardball too.
You guys are fucked, you know that? [grabs Randy] Get the fuck in you car!
Get the fuck out of here!
You keep your hands off him, Ricky! Ricky!
The day of reckoning is at hand, boy!
[Jim revs the Fuckmobile and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers]
Later, boys. Oh fu... Reverse, dumbass!
You guys are so fuckin' stupid. [gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again and Jim touches Ricky's left hand]
Nice daze out there. Nice getaway, Lahey.
[Jim drives the Fuckmobile backwards and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again]
Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like, "Gimme an R-O-C-K," and the crowd yells "ROCK" really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!
I'm not giving anyone a fuckin' R.
Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how different sides of your brain works, or outer space bullshit.
What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?
Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?
That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.
[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]
There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!
Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!
All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.
[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]
I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!
I think I can get us some dope, man.
Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?
[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]
How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?
[Another cop walks up and Ricky gives him money. The cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky.]
Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.
Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever think of the music? That's what this is about. Remember "Closer to the Heart"? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in '87?
That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during "I Like to Rock"? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!
That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.
