Smokes, let's go, gimme some smokes.
I've only got two left. I'm not giving you any.
You're a fucking dick. Lahey, go fuck yourself.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You better chill out there, heavy metal dick.
Why don't you go back to the bowling alley where you came from, helmet head?
[Julian is throwing Cyrus' things out the window]
Hey! That's my shit!
[Kids come and take Cyrus' things]
Hey! That's my shit! That's my shit!
Cyrus Obviously you didn't hear me when I said, "Clear out your own shit." Now, I want a new TV, I want a VCR, and I want my porn tapes replaced, because those were the crème de la crème.
I want you out of this park.
Me and Julian could definitely take care of the Cyrus thing. It's just that, number one: we're on probation. Which is no big deal, but you know I don't really wanna go back to jail. And number two or three, or whatever the fuck number we're on...
I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.
No more than two weeks, I promise.
What the hell happened to my trailer, boys?!
Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here. There was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.
[A dog barks off in the distance]
Shut up! You better shut up or I'll come out there after ya! I swear to God, I'll kill every one of ya!
Ricky, would you shut up?! Go to sleep! [cuts to Julian inside the trailer] Well, I've been out of jail for a week now, and it's time for me to make some important decisions in my life. I'm gonna go to community college.
Will you dogs please stop barking? I'm trying to sleep here.
I'm either gonna become an electrician, a meat cutter, or I'm gonna get into television and radio broadcasting.
Stop fucking barking!
[Gunshots are heard as Julian runs out of his trailer to see Ricky firing his pistol]
Ricky, what are you shooting at?!
Shut the fuck up! [to Julian] Squirrels and dogs and assholes! [fires off his pistol once more] Shut up!
Ricky! Ricky! Hold your fire! [walks towards Ricky] What are you doing?
Shh, shh. Listen, listen.
[The dog continues to bark]
Asshole. [fires off his pistol]
Ricky, what are you doing? We're on probation, man.
I'm trying to get some sleep here, Julian.
Do you want to go back to jail?
I can't handle this livin'-in-a-car shit.
Do you want to go back to jail?
Listen to this shit. [fires his pistol again]
Get in the car. [pushes Ricky into the car] Get in the car.
STOP FUCKIN' FIRIN'!
[Ricky honks the horn to get the dog to stop barking]
WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Shut up!
I wish everyone would shut the fuck up out there.
Ricky, what are you doing?
[The dog continues to bark]
Assholes. [brings out his pistol]
Ricky! [stops Ricky from firing and attempts to take the gun out of his hand] Listen, give me that gun. [takes the pistol]
You don't know what it's like livin' in a car, Julian. I got insects and animals fucking me around in here.
That's what you've got to deal with when you're in a car.
I can't sleep!
Go to sleep. You know what? You're moving out of here tomorrow.
Why?
'Cause you're driving me nuts. You're shooting guns off in the middle of the night.
It's not a big deal, Julian.
Think, Ricky, think.
I can't sleep is the problem.
Go to sleep.
Can I have the gun back in case anything happens?
No more of this shit.
I won't fire it unless I absolutely have to.
You're not going to fire it at all. [gives Ricky his pistol back, then walks off] Go to sleep. Idiot.
[The dog continues to bark]
Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP! [fires his pistol]
Ricky! Put that thing away!
[Ricky is asleep in the Shitmobile. Bubbles knocks on the roof, waking Ricky up with a start.]
I want my kitty.
Fuck off, Bubbles! You gave me the cat!
I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car.
Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.
He was a loaner. I loaned him to you.
Well, I need him. Look at my weed plants. One of them's dead.
I don't give a flyin' fuck. I didn't. Never said you could keep him.
What the hell are you doing waking me up so early?
No cat of mine's gonna live in a car. Julian!
[Julian storms out of his trailer]
Will both of you guys shut up?
Ricky won't give me my kitty!
Ricky, give him his cat!
It's my cat now! He gave it to me!
I don't care! Give him his cat!
[Ricky reaches into the back seat and grabs a potted plant]
Look. You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got four plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have one cat to protect my plants.
Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it. And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you.
[Bubbles slams the door lock down so Ricky can't get out of the car]
Stay in the car!
[Julian grabs the cat carrier out of the back seat and gives it to Bubbles]
Bubbles, take your cat. Get out of here. Ricky, you stay in the car.
[Ricky struggles to get the door open]
You let me out of this car right now!
[Ricky punches the car door repeatedly]
CALM DOWN!
FUCKIN' LET ME OUT OF HERE! I WANT THAT CAT BACK! I NEED HIM!
Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.
I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!
[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer. Through the window we see Ricky and Bubbles grappling in the front yard.]
I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um...I think Lucy was about 18 or something...
I met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever, and...I mean, it was--it was a long time ago, and...you know, nothing really happened.
Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and...I experienced memory loss and woke up, and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but, I don't know. I just got out of there.
[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]
Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?
I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.
What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.
Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!
What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?
[Ricky fills up a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a garden hose duct-taped to the side of his car]
You know, ever since you guys have been around with your TV cameras, Julian's changed. You know, he's getting all frustrated and he's taking his problems out on me and other people in the park. It's crazy! He lives in there in a palace and he's all stressed out. I live out here in a car and I've got everything I need, and I'm happy! I mean, this is my home. So I don't know what his problem is.
Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?
Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?
Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach "living in a car and growing dope 101"!
And you could teach "how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt, and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good 101".
[Julian storms out of his trailer and unplugs Ricky's toaster oven from the outdoor power outlet]
What are you doing, Julian? The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sarsaparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...
Get out of my way.
[Julian takes the keys out of the car, turning off the loud blues music]
What are you doing with the tones, Julian?
Get off my property, Ray!
[Julian grabs Ray's wheelchair and rolls him out of the yard]
What? What? No, hey, ho, wait!
Take it easy, take it easy, man!
Nah, forget it, Ricky. If he doesn't want me here, I'm goin', man! I'm not wanted here!
It's my property!
Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!
This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!
[Julian dumps Ricky's chicken fingers out of the toaster oven]
I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!
I'm not joking, Ricky.
Boys, check out Ricky pickin' up some butts!
[Ricky is crouched next to a bus stop trash can, picking cigarette butts up off of the ground]
Hey, Ricky! Find any good ones?
What?! Yeah, like you guys have never smoked a butt, eh? "Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts!" I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of your TV show, and I'm sick of you, and I'm sick of everybody! I'm moving to Toronto!
[Jim rolls past slowly]
I'm especially sick of this dick! Get the fuck out of here, Lahey!
[Jim drives off]
Fuck it, man. I'm moving to Toronto and I'm gonna be a street person! I don't care.
Rick, think about it. You don't got no money, man! What are you gonna do? How are you gonna get out there?
I don't know yet, but I'm gonna get out there.
[J-Roc and Tyrone roll up in a Volvo]
What's goin' on, honkies?
J-Roc?
Damn, you stank! You should put some Old Spice and some brute up in that muhfucka!
Listen, I'm not in the mood today, all right? So unless you've got two grand you wanna lend me, get the fuck out of my face.
Hey man, take it easy...
No, I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of all you guys! I'm sick of this park...
Actually, if you wanna make some scrilla, you pop by my crib. I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money. I'm serious, too!
You're gonna make me some money?
I'll make you tons of money! Know what I'm sayin'? Pop by my crib. 'Scuse me, Gorilla. We da fuck out!
Well, if you're serious, I'll be down there in about an hour! [to Julian] Looks like I'm not moving to Toronto.
[Ricky and Julian are behind the trailer park plinking at bottles]
Do you ever watch pornos?
Why?
Just makin' conversation, man. Just wondering what you think of the guys who act in them.
They're greasy.
[Ricky shoots and a bullet ricochets, causing Julian to spill his drink]
Sorry, man. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie. Would you think I was greasy? 'Cause that's a little different.
You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J-ROC, aren't ya? If you're doing that, then yeah, you'd be real greasy. And stupid.
Would you see DeNiro doing a porn flick?
Well, I don't know. If they paid him enough money, he'd probably do one.
No, he wouldn't. You're stupid.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Trailer Park Boys pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.