TV show quotes
[Ricky spots Julian with Tania across from his car]
Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian, what's this bullshit?! Fuck.
[Ricky and Julian get out of their cars]
Why aren't you watching the dope plants? You asshole!
Calm down, Ricky. We're just grabbing some takeout.
Takeout, my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!
Whoever did this is really stupid. You're dealing with a dangerous moron.
We know a guy who fits that description to a T. Don't we, Mr. Lahey?
We sure do. Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?
You're not crazy, I see it all the time. Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in the power bills.
Bingo.
Cops and dope don't mix, do they, Mr. Lahey?
Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Randy.
Randy, come back here for a second.
What's up, Rick?
Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.
Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.
Gummiworms. Okay. Ja-lap-ano chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?
[Julian nods "no"]
Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?
Yeah, pick me up a bag of ja-lap-ano chips.
All right.
Jalapeno? What flavor is that?
Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.
The "J" is like an "H", Ricky. "Hal-a-pee-no," not "ja-lap-ano."
What in the fuck are you guys talking about?
Hal-a-pee-no. Hal-a-pee-no. That's how you pronounce it.
I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!
Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview right now with a warrant.
Bullshit!
What are you talking about, Lahey?
You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.
This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.
Holy shit.
Great guys, what are we gonna do now?
I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?
I don't know.
Meeting inside, let's go!
What's a shit rope?
He's drunk. I don't fucking know.
Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?
Julian, I can't deal with this bullshit right now.
It's alright, man.
What time is it, Bubbles?
It's 11:30, Ricky.
[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]
Ricky, you can't fucking light up in the bank!
I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! 38 grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!
Uh oh.
Ricky, calm down.
Julian, fuck all this bullshit. Fuck this bank. Let's just go spend it, man. Let's go shopping. We need some gifts, come on.
Ricky, we're gonna set up some GIC's and some RSP's, man. That's an investment.
Bingo.
You got it?
Fuck investments, Julian.
Listen, we can go on vacation every year, man. Go on a cruise or something.
I don't give a fuck about a cruise. I wanna go spend the cash right now.
Ricky, that's what smart people do with their fucking money. Invest it. Julian's handling all my finances.
Listen, we just set up a few business in the trailer park, man. Why don't you let me control your money?
Control my money? Fuck RSVP's, Julian. What about Freedom 35? I thought we were fucking retired!
Uh oh.
Calm down.
I grew the fucking dope! It's my fucking money!
You can't scream "dope" out in the bank.
Dope, dope, dope-itty fucking dope, dope!
Here's security.
Fuck.
Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.
Perfect!
I can explain this.
Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fucking cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!
Everybody calm down! We're leaving!
[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Jim]
Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.
That'll cost you, Ricky.
Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.
Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?
I got lots of money, Lahey.
[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]
Oh, I get it. Never mind.
Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.
Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5,000 down.
Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuck row knots.
Yeah? And I don't trust you, shit bat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.
Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow? That's some fucking collateral, isn't it?
You'll kiss his bare ass?
That's what I said, dumbass.
Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?
Gimme a fucking pen!
Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?
[Jim hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]
That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you $100 to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.
Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for...I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go, and...Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fucking thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really...he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.
There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and it's been a big part of my life, but... You know, it's fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like, "No, you're not fucking going anywhere, because I'm gonna fucking stall on you," and it pisses you off!
It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done, because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot? You shoulda saw her.
[The Shitmobile stalls out]
Yeah, you know what's coming, don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!
You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that old Yorker. [Unwraps a Tootsie Pop] Purple.
[Lucy appears with a lawyer to collect unpaid child support. The lawyer's face is censored.]
I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.
This is the guy, right here. The guy in the tracksuit.
Who in the fuck are you?
He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.
And I'm a fuck offer.
Richard, hi. I've heard so much about you. [Hands Ricky some papers]
What the hell is this?
Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.
You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? [Hands the papers to Bubbles] A lot of big words there, man.
Three years child support payments you owe, Ricky.
Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies making up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father, am I, Trinity?
Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, okay?
Some do!
I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.
[Over megaphone] Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college reading and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be banging him!
Trevor and Cory, what the fuck are you guys doing? I spent two grand on fireworks, and I want to see some fucking fireworks! Come on!
[Standing on the hood of the Shitmobile with fireworks going off behind him]
All right everybody, fuck it! We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna eat donairs tonight! And I plan on getting drunk as fuck tonight! Drunk as fuck!
So, Luce, can I ask you something?
Yeah, what?
What's up with this lawsuit thing?
Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.
I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.
No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.
[Bubbles is vacuuming the dirt off of Ricky with a Dustbuster]
Just a second, buddy.
[Ricky walks into Bubbles' shed to pee]
Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.
[to camera crew, drunkenly] Hey, stop fucking filming me in here.
[The camera crew zooms in on Bubbles]
The fuck are you filming him pee for?
Turn off the fucking camera!
[Bubbles starts vacuuming Ricky's back while he pees]
[to camera] Fuck off.
[after knocking Cory and Trevor off Julian's ice cream bikes]
Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. The way I see it, I bought the bikes. I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy. That's the way it works around here.
All right everybody, clear the area! Hand over the weapons, Bubbles.
Go fuck yourself, Lahey.
Well, I think somebody has been talking to Trinity and they've misleaded her around and basically they said that, you know, I'm drunk and stupid all the time, which isn't the case. Once in a while I get drunk, once in a while something comes out of my mouth that may not be the smartest thing in the world, but she shouldn't be worried about growing up drunk and stupid like me. That's not gonna happen. She's already smarter than me, you know, and she's only like nine years old.
Where's the five grand, Ricky?
It's right here, Shitler.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Trailer Park Boys pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
