[at the end of the "cottage" lap]
D'you know what? This is rubbish.
Terrible.
S8 E4May 28th, 2006
[Jeremy disputes this finding]
This is the safest car ever made.
I've got a scar!
Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.
[...]
The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.
You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!
Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.
How safe's that?!
Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?
Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?
[...]
Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!
[on the re-engineered Koeniggsegg CCX, with altered suspension and an added rear spoiler, and keeping in with the modified S-Class theme]
We're no longer just reviewing cars on Top Gear - we're designing them!
[Discussing the cottage design of the Mercedes S Class to the French designer]
We'll try it my way... and then we'll finish it. [walks away quickly]
S8 E5June 4th, 2006
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Chan teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've drank it already.
[on the Stig]
Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -
JRJeremy and Richard
Legacy.
Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]
That's "heightist" frankly.
Yeah, that's "heightist."
I can't think of a better recommendation actually.
What?
Us not being able to do it?
Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.
And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television, a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us saying that she could get any one of us, to any race track in the country, in any car, get us to set our best time, and then she could get us to knock twenty seconds off that time.
He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.
Right-o.
Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]
[while driving with Jackie Stewart]
This is probably what will happen to me in hell: A TVR, a racetrack and a pedantic Scotsman.
[on the TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible]
In the old days of TVR you would have thought "that's a ticket to a festival of plastic death", but actually I thought it was good. I thought it handled really well.
When our guest tonight first came here he was so spectacular, we named a corner in his honour. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, SIR MICHAEL FOLLOW-THROUGH!
[to Michael Gambon]
Last time you were here, in the Liana: 1.55. You did it, in the Lacetti, in one minute... [Jeremy starts writing the time down but stops, holding the pen up] Due to the unique way the BBC is funded, the pen doesn't work!
[on the Prodrive P2]
You also get a funny little noise from the waste gate when you take your foot off the accelerator... [he lifts off, and we hear the noise] It sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine. That's what this is, it's a squirrel mincer!
[on the 2006 Monaco GP]
That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.
Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?
Yes!
And who's going to give them these points?
Me!
[...]
I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?
Well, yes, I do.
Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."
What, starting fights?
[Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."
[...]
Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.
[on the Prodrive P2, after being made car-sick by its incredible cornering grip]
It can blow your mind... but also empty your stomach.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.