[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Chan teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've drank it already.
“June 4th, 2006” · Season 8, Episode 5
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (14), Richard Hammond (6), James May (5)
[on the Stig]
Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -
JRJeremy and Richard
Legacy.
Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]
That's "heightist" frankly.
Yeah, that's "heightist."
I can't think of a better recommendation actually.
What?
Us not being able to do it?
Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.
And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television, a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us saying that she could get any one of us, to any race track in the country, in any car, get us to set our best time, and then she could get us to knock twenty seconds off that time.
He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.
Right-o.
Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]
[while driving with Jackie Stewart]
This is probably what will happen to me in hell: A TVR, a racetrack and a pedantic Scotsman.
[on the TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible]
In the old days of TVR you would have thought "that's a ticket to a festival of plastic death", but actually I thought it was good. I thought it handled really well.
When our guest tonight first came here he was so spectacular, we named a corner in his honour. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, SIR MICHAEL FOLLOW-THROUGH!
[to Michael Gambon]
Last time you were here, in the Liana: 1.55. You did it, in the Lacetti, in one minute... [Jeremy starts writing the time down but stops, holding the pen up] Due to the unique way the BBC is funded, the pen doesn't work!
[on the Prodrive P2]
You also get a funny little noise from the waste gate when you take your foot off the accelerator... [he lifts off, and we hear the noise] It sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine. That's what this is, it's a squirrel mincer!
[on the 2006 Monaco GP]
That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.
Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?
Yes!
And who's going to give them these points?
Me!
[...]
I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?
Well, yes, I do.
Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."
What, starting fights?
[Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."
[...]
Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.
[on the Prodrive P2, after being made car-sick by its incredible cornering grip]
It can blow your mind... but also empty your stomach.
[during the news, talking about the Audi RS4 convertible]
Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?
Yes.
Because she's got big hands?
I don't like girls with big hands.
Why don't you like girls with big hands?
Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]
[voiceover] This is the old Citroën CX, and it was mad in every way.
[voiceover, on the Citroën CX] Trying to drive this car through a town was like trying to wire a plug while wearing boxing gloves. It was always going to end in tears.
[on the Citroën C6] But I want it to feel completely different to any other car. I want to start it by licking a little panel here on the steering wheel. I want the gear lever to be made of rhubarb and to stick out of the sun visor. I want to feel like I'm in a Salvador Dalí painting and it's all melting. [...] Is this an indicator? Yes it is. It shouldn't be! That should be the boot release. The indicator should be, I don't know, [opens center console] in here somewhere. It's all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong. [voiceover] As a car, it's conventional too. It's front-wheel-drive rather than side-wheel-drive, and prices start at 29 and a half thousand pounds, rather than 29 and a half thousand zarps.
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