Jeremy and Richard in “June 4th, 2006”

That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.

Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?

Yes!

And who's going to give them these points?

Me!

I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?

Well, yes, I do.

Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."

What, starting fights?

[Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."

Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.