[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: I investigate some new in-car dogging technology. Richard races a man dressed as a squirrel. And with a wing and a prayer, the Koenigsegg is back on our track.
“May 28th, 2006” · Season 8, Episode 4
In this episode: Richard Hammond (10), Jeremy Clarkson (8), James May (4)
[on the Stig]
Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[hearing a bang as he drives a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]
Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive.
[to the guest French fashion designer, who complained about his eating habits]
What's the matter with chips with vinegar on them?
I'm gonna have to explain all this to my nine-year-old boy. [makes a face] Who's ten, I've just remembered!
[to the Mercedes S-Class onboard computer] Station: Radio 2. [It retunes to Radio 2] And it goes to Radio 2. Or, Station: absolute rubbish. [It retunes to Radio 1] Look! Radio 1! It knows! How brilliant's that?
[on the approach the BMW M Division took when developing the Z4M]
So on this car, they've thrown out the fancy electronic power steering for a more old-fashioned system that they prefer. They've also got rid of those ridiculous run-flat tyres, and they've not messed about with any fancy gearboxes either. They've fitted it with a proper old-fashioned manual.
[voiceover] That is a set of confident decisions. So naturally, you'd be forgiven for approaching any corner with a similar amount of confidence.
[The Z4M nearly runs off the edge of the track in a corner]
[countersteering furiously] Whoa! Whoa! Understeer - ! [recovering control] ... Bloody hell! I was not expecting that.
[holding a red Dorset Naga chili pepper] This... is the BMW Z4. [tastes pepper gingerly with the tip of his tongue] GAH!
[on the Z4M, still in pain after tasting a red naga chili] It absolutely steals your heart, which is why it's the one I'd drive home. If I could see...
[Driving the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S] So, we've devised another Richard Hammond real world test...
[scene continues to car vs skydiver stunt]
[regarding photos of the (rather extensive) damage to a Porsche Cayenne and the production vehicle Richard crashed it into]
Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.
You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!
Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.
Mmm?
It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.
[testing Jeremy's redecorated Mercedes, with its concrete floor]
Sixty miles an hour!
[tripping stopwatch] Thirty-five point four seconds!
[Richard's seat has fallen over while negotiating the Hammerhead]
Regain control of the cottage!
[at the end of the "cottage" lap]
D'you know what? This is rubbish.
Terrible.
[Jeremy disputes this finding]
This is the safest car ever made.
I've got a scar!
Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.
[...]
The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.
You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!
Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.
How safe's that?!
Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?
Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?
[...]
Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!
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