We know Saabs are driven by architects, yes? We know Audis are driven by people who play golf. We know Land Rover Discoveries are driven by murderers.
JamesAh, now...
James
I'm going to have to pull you up on that, as I think you'll find murderers drive a Renault Espace.
Well, Kenneth Noye was a murderer, he had a Land Rover Discovery.
James
So he may have done, but Harold Shipman drove a Renault Espace, Fred West drove a Renault Espace, Peter Sutcliffe drove a Renault 16.
That's only because the Espace hadn't been invented.
James
Exactly.
This is a Top Gear top tip. If you're a policeman and there's been a murder in your area, simply arrest anyone who has a practical Renault. [laughter]
[After Jeremy has driven the Ferrari 599 GTO]
James
You know what, when you were driving with the traction control off, it looked pretty much undriveable.
It was. The thing is, though, after I made that film, I went to Italy with it. I drove it in the dry, and it was a lot better, but, all the time, you can sense it's plotting on new and exciting ways of killing you. You know Cato?
James
What, from the Pink Panther?
James
That's my favourite comic character, pretty much.
It's like that. You go around the corner. You think "Yes, I've got this, I'm holding this well." And suddenly, it goes into a massive tail slide.
James
Not now, Cato.
It is. You go back to a hotel room at night thinking, "Is it in the mini bar? Is it on top of the wardrobe?" You know it's going to leap out and attack you at any moment.
[While eating burnt sausages between bread cooked by Jeremy, James and Richard]
SJShane Jacobson
Hmm! My grandfather was burnt less than that when they cremated him.
James
Did you know that barbecue is an ancient Aboriginal word for diarrhoea?
EPEwen Page
Well it will be after we eat this I tell you that!
[In Albania]
This is the perfect car for the job.
You can't say that word, the 'C' word.
[laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.
Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".
[...]
Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.
James
Peach?
[gestures] "Lady garden".
[during the forensic test]
James
They've actually already discovered that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham.
What, they can tell that just by swabbing the seats?
James
No. They found this letter.
[Jeremy laughs as James reveals it]
JMJohn Manlove
[talking about the results of Richard's car] Again, the steering wheel had what turned out to be saliva staining on it. And lastly, we have pubic hairs, [James snorts] and, uh, faeces.
[laughs] I'm sorry, did you just say the word "faeces"?
JMJohn Manlove
What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yeah.
James
That's poo, isn't it?
James
[to Richard] Your car's got poo in it.
It's like driving around in a Morroccan prison, in the front of his car? [voiceover] After the forensic test, my colleagues were very distressed.
[James is wearing surgical gloves and a mouth mask in his car, Richard is wearing a hazmat suit]
JJames (voiceover)
Finally, it was Jeremy's turn.
He's going to have to breathe. Oh, he's done it, he's done it!
[after the build quality test with Jeremy's convertible, he gets out]
[his voice is high-pitched from breathing helium] Right...
[Richard bursts out in laughter]
[still in a helium voice] I just have to say that's stu... it is stupid! It's just to test how big your lungs are!
[on the MG 6]
I don't think the factory where it's being made is very in Longbridge is Modern at all, because I've got the press release they sent out here and it says the first car was driven off the line by the only woman who works there.
That's not very modern, is it.
Did they go on to say, "and best of all, she has a smashing pair of knockers!"
James
Don't tell me, it says next "Don't worry chaps, we'll let her drive it off, but we won't let her park it!"
But -- but I think there is a problem with this car... because they've called it... The Growler.
[laughter from the audience]
Yeah. Now... now, we... we... we Googled growler [laughter] and we were quite surprised and a bit shocked by what it turns out to mean.
And do you know, Richard, I've forgotten what it is. What does it mean? Can you tell the ladies and gentlemen?
Well, you know those... big welcome mats you might see on a girl in the '70s? [laughter]
James
Why would you name your car after that?
Honestly, James, I don't think they knew. I think they're sitting in Zurich, or wherever they are. This is the first time they've realised that growler means that in England. And they'll be sitting going, "Gott in Himmel! Wolfgang, ve have accidentally named ze car after ein Fraugarten!"
[laughter from Richard and the audience]
James
Look, the car, the Growler... is it based on an XK? Has it got four seats?
No, you can't get in the back.
[brief pause then laughter from Richard and the audience applauses]
Everybody's turned over to Countryfile.
James
I'm not, uh, I'm not sure they're going to sell very many of those.
No, neither do I. There's another reason why. It costs £670,000.
Yeah. There probably will be a trimmed-down version later, but I bet you... [laughter] just for the Brazilian market.
I'm sorry. It's called a Growler.
James
There's a bloke at some point who is going to say, "I'm just going outside to wax the Growler."
[laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience]
What kind of bird can have a gallon of guano in its gut and still take off and achieve sufficient altitude to defecate on my Range Rover?!
James
Maybe it was a flying cow.
James, you really do live in Hammersmith, don't you?
We should bear in mind this is the man who believes cows lay eggs, and he does. He said that on the show.
James
I said eggs come from cows.
[During The News]
Yes, there's just one problem with the launch control. It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.
No, seriously, when you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right, a series of switches. Then you put your left foot on the brake, plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, yeah, and when the lights go green you take your foot of the brake and it goes. Computer sorts it out, as you say. So, OK, you're at the lights, [imitating loud engine noise] MEHHHH! And everyone's looking at you thinking, what an unintelligent man. [laughter]
It does makes a bit of a scene.
James
You know what the most uncivilized thing you can do with a car -- is to use launch control at a zebra crossing. [laughter]
MEHHHH! Come on, old lady!
Can we just say one other thing as well, about launch control? Only one of us has it fitted to our car.
JRJeremy and Richard
Is it, no, it's him! [both point at James, who smiles sheepishly]
James May has launch control.
James
Yeah, but I don't use it.
James
No, it's --
Are you sure? Every time you leave the pie shop, "Thanks for the pies, I'm off! MEHHHH!"
I always struggle throwing boxes away.
Well because if you take the washing machine out of it, and fit that in your kitchen, and there's the box, all crisp and new and empty and I can't help but look at it, and part of my mind sees the potential. You look at it and you think, wow, that could be, like, a castle, or a -- you've been there! [laughter and awkward looks from Jeremy and James] Or a den, or a like car. I'm the same with shoe boxes. I don't think I've ever thrown one away ever, because you think, I could keep special things in it, or put it on it's side and you could have, like, a TV screen, or maybe you could use the big box as a spaceship and then the little one as a dashboard. Come on, you've been th-!
Richard? Are you all right? Seriously, because this is a man, with, there's no other way of putting this, with a helicopter licence.
The CAA said I was alright.
I know but, the CAA, if they're watching this, will think, "He's a madman!"
James
Well, it's not a real helicopter -- it's just the box his fridge came in.
Yeah, alright. I just make the noise! [laughter and applause]
RJRichard and James
[both imitating helicopter rotor noise]
[over the PA system] ? La la la la la la la la la la la la la! ? [annoyed looks from the passengers]
James
[over the PA system] Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
