Scenes with James May 381
[During the news]
James As you know, last week, there was some sort of football match on at the same time as us so I just wondered, who here watched Top Gear last week? Hands up if you did.
[Everyone except for Jeremy raises their hands]
I did! It was great! Jeremy? You?
James Well, I be honest, I found the bit with the wedding a bit cringeworthy but I struggled on and made it to—
No, I mean that I couldn't watch it because I was in Johannesburg.
Watching the finals. Oh great! So, the one week where we wanted to call in a bit of loyalty and you decided to go to South Africa and watch a Dutchman kick a Spaniard in the heart.
[during the news]
Now normally I wouldn't bring this up, but Citroën UK has appointed a new sales director OK? And his name is Charles Peugeot . [laughter]
James No, it isn't!
I have photographic proof from Citroën [photo is shown on screen, proving that he is indeed named Charles Peugeot]
It is! What were they thinking? What's his email address gonna be, charles.peugeot@citroën ! [audience laughs]
James Hang on, hang on! What if they are lots of people called Charles Peugeot working at Citroën, so he ends up being [dissolves into laughter] , charles.peugeot405 ! Sorry, it wasn't worth it!
Hammond, what is it that happens you drive a Ferrari 458 very fast -- on a hot day?
I believe it catches fire.
James Yeah, yeah, only a few have caught fire.
James [voiceover] Because my car didn't catch fire, Jeremy got bored and became a yobbo.
How do you get the arse to kick out on this thing?
[After Richard and James leaves behind Jeremy to go to the hotel]
Not going to be the same without the big ape, is it?
James What a bin lid, honestly!
He is a yobbo, though, isn't he? Four laps and he'd trashed it just by messing about. He doesn't think ahead.
[over the radio] I can still hear you, you short arse! [Richard laughs]
[During the news]
And the big news is, James and Richard have both had a horrible accident with a Flymo.
No - it was the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost the hair. I'm done.
And you actually think it's ended, dressed as Adam and the Ants?
James He's Sergeant Pepper.
James What would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?
You can shut up, because in that film, you looked like Ted Nugent and now you look like Kojak. Where's it gone?
James That from a man, ladies and gentlemen, who presumably was bald until puberty.
Ah, now, Rich, would you like some pussy? [laughter]
James [looking enthused] Well, do I certainly..
[looking confused] Well, it wasn't on my mind right now, it is now. I... Eh?
Pussy, energy drink. [showing off the canned drink]
[laughing] I see! I did wonder.
James What flavour is it?
James Steady on, man. Leave it!
James Blind hill! Aaaaaargh!
The Stig has gone... We're like Genesis now.
We are! And Then There Were Three!
James I hate the Stig!
[debating where they're landing]
James Is it China?
Well, if they came from the east, Norfolk.
Well, I tell you something, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.
[Richard is first off the plane, but the others don't follow him]
James [to Jeremy, who's in front of him] Did you stall?
[feigning innocence] Yes, I did!
[a little later, after a rush from the landing plane]
I'm alive! I'm hiding in a big shed!
[after Jeremy suggest to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible by going towards the Iranian border]
Hang on, isn't - Bethlehem's over here, isn't it? (while pointing at Bethlehem on the map)
Well, that's the way we want to go.
Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad perhaps. Have you ever seen a television programme called The News?
Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.
That's really bad, isn't it.
That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.
And that where we are? (pointing at Arbil on the map) That's where it's really bad?
We are - less than a finger's width away. So up there (pointing to the map), into Iran, into Turkey, and then down there and that way, so we miss - we can get out of Iraq and then go 'round it.
James Sounds like a plan.
So the wise men from the east are setting off east. Northeast.
[on a stop by the Sea of Galilee]
[removing the bandage from James' head] You are healed. I have healed you.
James Cock! You took the bandage off!
James [in the stable at the end of the show] Come, let us see this child that has been born unto us.
[Hammond moves aside the blanket and gasps. O Fortuna plays as the camera reveals the Baby Stig]
James ... Well, I wasn't expecting that.
...And on that bombshell...!
[On the Mini Countryman]
It's just stupid. It's the stupidest car I've ever seen. And it gave me crabs.
James Crabs?
I meant cramp. Why did I say crabs? How can a car give you crabs?
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