[voiceover] The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash. [voiceover] Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]
JamesOh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
[voiceover] Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
James
[his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
[voiceover] James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
[to James] I've got consumption and TB.
James
[coughs heavily]
I've got every single 1920's disease.
James
[to Jeremy] Can I point something out?
James
Hammond's walking around his car muttering about how he needs all of it.
I know exactly what he's doing.
James
He's formed an emotional attachment to his car.
It'll be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"
[Jeremy and James laugh]
James
[reading new challenge] "You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."
That's the really big wildlife place... [makes a gesture with his arms]
James
In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals, including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos, Black rhino and crocodile. [short pause] Bird snakes, shield-nosed snakes, puff adders, boomslang, cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows and thick-tailed scorpions.
What about the honey badger?
James
That's the least scary sounding animal in the world.
A honey badger does not kill you to eat you, it tears off your testicals.
James
Why's it called the honey badger?
That's what's made it angry.
Why isn't it called "the badger of death?"
[on the Aston Martin V8 Vantage]
I would rather be in this, than in Keira Knightley.
I wouldn't. (Shaking his head while the crowd laughs). I wouldn't.
[...]
James
And now the news: and this just in from Keira Knightley: She says she's disappointed but she understands.
[on the car's loss in the race]
Can I clear something up? I don't get this. Watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrive fifteen minutes after everybody else. Now if I remember correctly when I got there, James, you were already there and had been for ages.
He was, and you know something else? I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
James
Yes, and I'm pretty sure I remember going straight past Hammond with his head stuck in some railings.
And you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have done it by boat! And there you go, what Top Gear - which is a trusted, factual, award winning show - has proved is, despite what you saw in that stupid and misleading film the car was the fastest!
[starting the news]
James
And now the news. And I'm afraid it's very bad; Jeremy Clarkson has a cold.
[as he sits down] I have NOT got a cold, I've got bird flu.
[Audience laughs]
I have. I am now living breathing proof, soon to not be living or breathing, that it can jump species.
Wow... but hey, this means it's just one step away from humans.
[on petrol going up to a pound a litre.]
And it's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.
Well it is, yes. But why?
Because you know how much bull semen is?
James
Do you know? I can't remember off the top of my head.
[after explaining why he (Jeremy) paid 35,000 pounds on petrol.]
James
I reckoned you spent it on bull sperm.
Did you not notice the pump was different?
[laughing, with the audience laughing as well]
[imitates a bull noise]. It keeps moving! Now it's chasing me! I don't want it any more.
[audience laughs]
I've got bird flu. Be nice.
[on the Alfa-Romeo 159.]
James
Now, Alfa-Romeo has launched a replacement for its 156, which is called the 159.
Oh actually James, that was launched two years ago.
James
Yes it was, but we weren't paying attention.
LLawrence
[on the Premier League in football] We call it the Andrex Premiership because it's soft and unnecessarily expensive.
....and in the Transit, we've got Desperate! (i.e. James May)
[on the motorhome race]: The rules were simple. 15 laps and no body contact. [cut to scene of motorhomes crashing into each other] Mind you, we had invited touring car drivers!
James
I've just seen the door of a kitchen unit on the track,and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.
[Richard's Triumph Dolomite Sprint has just failed the handbrake test, nearly running him over as it rolls freely backward down the slope]
Ah! That's not gone well.
[The Dolly Sprint crashes into the 33.3% Grade sign at the bottom of the slope]
Sorry! Sorry, that's gone badly wrong. It's gonna come - sorry!
James
[looking on with Clarkson and laughing] Having failed the handbrake test, he's knocked down the sign warning him how steep the hill is.
James
[voiceover] Still, every cloud and all that...
Very good test of how fast it goes... backwards... with the handbrake on.
James
Actually, it's a good point, because my dad had three of those, and none of the doors ever fell off.
No, it's not Rover's fault. They were built brilliantly.
In fact, I seem to remember that at the time, the SD1 was often praised for the way its... back doors... stayed on.
[tallying the scores at the end of the British Leyland challenge]
James
Yeah, now this, we got 20p for every yard you covered — you did 1,500 yards, so...
James
It's £300, you half-wit.
I was just— It was right on the tip of my tongue. [updates the scoreboard]
James
I did 4,500 yards, which I think you'll find is £900.
[James basks in the audience's adulation while Jeremy writes the number down]
James
And you did ten yards.
[helpfully] That's two pounds!
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
