A character in Top Gear
Played by James May
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 559 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (323), Richard Hammond (261)
What does this do?
JamesNo, don't pull that - !
[losing control of the Alfaab] Oh my GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED?!
JamesHammond's unlocked the steering!
Sorry!
JamesYou're in the wrong end, you idiot!
[...]
JamesYou pair of utter pillocks. You've ruined my car.
JamesIt's time for a question, Just where is the greatest driving road in the world? Something that has the challenging bends, the fast straights, no traffic, the spectacular views, the lot.
[Jeremy walks up to a world map]
[points to North America] Now it can't be there 'cause they're all doing five, [points to South America] can't be there 'cause they're all on drugs,[points to Africa] that's just full of ox, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not likely to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders...
Jeremy!
[points to the Philippines] Signs here are full of gibberish, [points to mainland Asia] they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.
Nuh! Yes, thank you Jeremy! We obviously discussed this at length and we concluded that the best driving road in the world would probably be somewhere in continental Europe, or more precisely around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do would be to go there and see if we could find it.
JamesYou're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our chairs, are you?
No I'm not. I know who did this.
Who?
Fifth Gear.
[...]
D'you think they're a bit jealous?
Yeah. So please, really. Tiff, Vicki? Stop burning our things.
Yes.
Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator. So if anyone out there is watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator -
Well, hang on, you're gonna say "if you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats."
That's right. Uh, write to us at "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up," BBC Television, uh, London, wherever we are.
[on Top Gear's new seating]
I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.
JamesThis is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?
[laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...
My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...
[From the unedited news]
JamesI've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.
No, you can't talk about that on telly, mate.
That isn't in the highway code: Wank!
[Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?
Sometimes, on long journeys, there's nothing else to do!
[From the unedited news]
Although it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
Or put their make-up on.
Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Or eat a pie.
Yeah! Round our track.
JamesYeah! Yeah! And speed!
And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!
So, the cars. James?
JamesNO.
I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
JamesHang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Yes! We're back in business!
Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!
[Upon inspection of James' Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24]
James... that is just a racing car!
It hasn't got anything in it at all! It doesn't even have a passenger seat!
JamesThis isn't just some road car Porsche with a bit of scaffolding in the back. It's two hundred and fifty kilograms lighter than the standard car! That's the weight of a big motorcycle.
So, you've got no radio...
JamesNo!
You've got no carpets.
JamesNo.
No air conditioning.
JamesNo!
James, you have got a car with no air conditioning, in the south of France, in the middle of summer.
It's better than that! His windows don't open!
JamesYes they do, actually...
[laughing]
That's a cat flap!
[While trying to take down his mast]
JamesWhat is it actually caught on?
The security camera.
[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]
I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Mine won't start properly.
No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
[To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
[...]
James[Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
You see? He's pointing!
JamesI haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.
[After James' Triumph Herald sank for the final time]
James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
YOU'VE FAILED!!
[Revs engine and splashes James with water]
JamesThank you.
[After sinking in Hammond's campervan]
JamesThis is the third time I've been in this bloody sea!
Technically, it wasn't my fault.
[voiceover] Meanwhile, back with Captain Pugwash...
JamesSod it. Right sail. [James' sail swings round and the boom hits him in the head] Oww. Bloody thing.
[reading challenge] "The people of Surrey think they need four-wheel drive cars because they live up a lane which sometimes has leaves on it. You will now attempt to prove them wrong by driving your two-wheel drive cars from here, at Botswana's Eastern border with Zimbabwe..." [points at armed border guards] which is there... "1000 miles to its Western border with Namibia. That's right across the spine of Africa."
[Awkward silence]
JamesI'm confident.
James[James comments on Jeremy's and Richard's car choice] You've both been idiots.
No!
JamesBrilliantly interesting [points to the Opel] brilliantly stylish [points to the Lancia Beta] but stupid.
But...
Why's mine stupid?
Wha...where is yours? [James points to behind him] Whoa! Haha, a Lancia? You have been a bit thick.
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