A character in Top Gear
Played by James May
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 559 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (323), Richard Hammond (261)
[speculating on the survey responses that led a Toyota marketing survey to imply that 28% of Europeans want their cars to make them feel ill]
That doesn't seem - "Oh, I love my Mondeo because every time I start the engine it gives me scurvy, and that's a good thing in my life!"
James"I chose Porsche because it brings on rectal prolapse."
[on the qualifying]
What if I have to get out of somebody's way to let him go by...
...I don't know, I don't know...
This is without any question or shadow of doubt the scariest thing I've ever done.
Yes...
JamesI've broken my zip.
Richard [irritated]: That's bad?
[two hours before the race is scheduled to start, James comes up to Jeremy and Richard]
[When James May was in the car for the first time]
The Christian motorist is in the hot seat.
[voiceover] A few minutes later, something amazing happened.
JamesI've overtaken someone!
[at the end of the race, back in the hangar]
Can I just say, that was the hardest thing we've ever done - being nice to each other for 24 hours.
Well, you know when you pulled up in the pits and you said "Good luck, mate", I nearly crashed!
Ooh, I felt dirty saying it, mate; it was wrong.
Still, we ended up coming third in our class...
James...out of five...
...out of five, yes, and we finished 39th out of 46, [turning to James] partly actually because you drove so slowly!
JamesOoh, now, come on a minute...
Actually, hang on, you risked us not finishing at all by driving like an idiot in that last stint...
No, but wait, we would have finished 10th, mathematical certainty, if you hadn't hit that Mosler! We would have been 10th!
You said it wasn't my fault...
I was being nice, I didn't mean it...
JamesHey, this is more like it, isn't it? Normal service is being resumed!
JamesWe had a letter from the BBC, and they said what with petrol being £5.50 and all the rest of it, what we should actually be doing is giving some advice on... fuel economy and... saving money!
Yeah. Unfortunately, that letter was opened, by him. [points at Clarkson]
Yes. And I decided the best thing we could do was gather five supercars together and have a race!
[on the Hyundai Genesis]
Anyway, this is called the Genesis, all right? Which probably means that in a couple of years the front'll leave and Phil Collins'll move in there instead.
JamesNo, actually, strictly speaking, Phil Collins will come round from the back to take place at the front.
Oh, leaving Chester Thompson at the back.
JamesYeah, exactly, and then occasionally Phil Collins will have to go back to the back with Chester Thompson...
Yes.
I don't know what you two are saying now.
No, it's got a V6 engine, 3.8 litres, and in between the bank you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.
[looking baffled] You're using words but it means nothing.
Would you rather it were called the Hyundai Westlife?
Yeah, all right. Thank you.
The Hyundai Girls Aloud, Hammond Edition.
JamesHey, great news!
What?
JamesThe Dacia Sandero is almost here.
When?
JamesNext year!
Great! [quickly] Now, the Toyota Urban Cruiser.
[During the Police Car challenge, on sirens]
[voiceover] James then demonstrated his siren... [James' Lexus plays "Camptown Races" in a cheesy electronic voice]...which he'd got from an ice-cream van.
They're gonna be really impressed with that on an American police video.
JamesNo, they stop for an ice-cream. And then they're nicked.
May I? [voiceover] Mine was much more high-tech. [Shows Clarkson pressing button on child's sound toy, the car moos] Oh, wait, no, that's the cow.
[upon Richard's arrival]
[On Jeremy's attempt to disable Stig's car]
I presume at some point there's gonna be a simply hideous accident.
JamesYep.
[Upon Jeremy's car losing a wheel in said attempt]
I think it could be time to admit failure.
James[To Jeremy] You failed to apprehend the miscreant.
We are rubbish at this, aren't we?
JamesHow's this going to look when you pull up outside someone's house to tell them that... their husband's just been killed in an industrial accident?
[laughing] Didilidi! Didilidi! Dididididididi!
[in a discussion of Bluetooth "mating" that's gone horribly wrong]
JamesHow can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?
Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "
[applause]
I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."
JamesWith your best mate's mobile phone.
JamesAw, bad news!
What?
JamesThe Dacia Sandero, it's delayed.
Oh no! [quickly] Anyway, last week...
JamesNow, have you ever wondered what all that writing on the side of your tires actually means?
No.
Honestly couldn't care less.
JamesWell, don't wonder no longer!
[At the beginning of the news]
JamesAt first I want to say a couple more things about that Bentley. See, you said there it was like a slab of old England.
Yes.
JamesBut Bentley is owned by VW, that car was styled by a Belgian and it was engineered by a man called Ulrich Eichhorn. Doesn't sound very British.
Are you presenting Top Gear or are you writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph?
JamesWell I am just saying that you know immediately that this car is German 'cause it's got too much power. They've overdone it, as usual. Like they did on their French holiday in 1939.
James, James, the Queen is German.
JamesYes.
You can't sing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles" every time she comes on the television, do you?
JamesWell, I do actually.
Yes, he does...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
