Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

[voiceover] The Fiat's tyre had changed its mind about having air in it.

Richard

BUGGER!

James

[in the stable at the end of the show] Come, let us see this child that has been born unto us.

Jeremy

Yes, let's.

Richard

Yes...

James

... Well, I wasn't expecting that.

Jeremy

...And on that bombshell...!

Jeremy

It's just stupid. It's the stupidest car I've ever seen. And it gave me crabs.

Richard

What?

James

Crabs?

Jeremy

I meant cramp. Why did I say crabs? How can a car give you crabs?

Richard

I don't know! Tell us!

Jeremy

We know Saabs are driven by architects, yes? We know Audis are driven by people who play golf. We know Land Rover Discoveries are driven by murderers.

James

Ah, now...

Jeremy

What?

James

I'm going to have to pull you up on that, as I think you'll find murderers drive a Renault Espace.

Jeremy

Well, Kenneth Noye was a murderer, he had a Land Rover Discovery.

James

So he may have done, but Harold Shipman drove a Renault Espace, Fred West drove a Renault Espace, Peter Sutcliffe drove a Renault 16.

Richard

That's only because the Espace hadn't been invented.

James

Exactly.

Jeremy

This is a Top Gear top tip. If you're a policeman and there's been a murder in your area, simply arrest anyone who has a practical Renault. [laughter]

Richard

This is the perfect car for the job.

Jeremy

...you can't say that.

Richard

What?

Jeremy

You can't say that word, the 'C' word.

Richard

Well, I didn't, did I?

Jeremy

[laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.

Richard

..."Car"?

Jeremy

Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".

Richard

But we do a car show!

Jeremy

Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.

James

Peach?

Jeremy

Don't say peach.

Richard

What does that mean?

Jeremy

[gestures] "Lady garden".

[talking about the results of Richard's car] Again, the steering wheel had what turned out to be saliva staining on it. And lastly, we have pubic hairs, [James snorts] and, uh, faeces.

Jeremy

[laughs] I'm sorry, did you just say the word "faeces"?

What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yeah.

James

That's poo, isn't it?

Jeremy

That's poo. It's...

James

[to Richard] Your car's got poo in it.

Richard

Is that... normal?

Jeremy

It's like driving around in a Morroccan prison, in the front of his car? [voiceover] After the forensic test, my colleagues were very distressed.

Richard

Oh, God!

Finally, it was Jeremy's turn.

Richard

He's going to have to breathe. Oh, he's done it, he's done it!

Jeremy

[his voice is high-pitched from breathing helium] Right...

Jeremy

[still in a helium voice] I just have to say that's stu... it is stupid! It's just to test how big your lungs are!

Richard

[screams] Where's my wedding ring?! I've lost my wedding ring!

Jeremy

Has it gone in the thing?

Richard

It must have done!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Soon, though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring.

Jeremy

I don't think the factory where it's being made is very in Longbridge is Modern at all, because I've got the press release they sent out here and it says the first car was driven off the line by the only woman who works there.

Richard

That's not very modern, is it.

Jeremy

No.

Richard

Did they go on to say, "and best of all, she has a smashing pair of knockers!"

James

Don't tell me, it says next "Don't worry chaps, we'll let her drive it off, but we won't let her park it!"

Jeremy

But -- but I think there is a problem with this car... because they've called it... The Growler.

Richard

Yeah. Now... now, we... we... we Googled growler [laughter] and we were quite surprised and a bit shocked by what it turns out to mean.

Jeremy

And do you know, Richard, I've forgotten what it is. What does it mean? Can you tell the ladies and gentlemen?

Richard

Well, you know those... big welcome mats you might see on a girl in the '70s? [laughter]

Jeremy

That's what it is!

Richard

Yeah.

James

Why would you name your car after that?

Jeremy

Honestly, James, I don't think they knew. I think they're sitting in Zurich, or wherever they are. This is the first time they've realised that growler means that in England. And they'll be sitting going, "Gott in Himmel! Wolfgang, ve have accidentally named ze car after ein Fraugarten!"

James

Look, the car, the Growler... is it based on an XK? Has it got four seats?

Jeremy

No, you can't get in the back.

Jeremy

Everybody's turned over to Countryfile.

Richard

What? What?!

James

I'm not, uh, I'm not sure they're going to sell very many of those.

Jeremy

No, neither do I. There's another reason why. It costs £670,000.

Richard

Ouch!

Jeremy

Yeah. There probably will be a trimmed-down version later, but I bet you... [laughter] just for the Brazilian market.

Richard

I'm sorry. It's called a Growler.

James

There's a bloke at some point who is going to say, "I'm just going outside to wax the Growler."

Jeremy

Wax the Growler.

Richard

Oh, you dirty bugger!

Jeremy

What kind of bird can have a gallon of guano in its gut and still take off and achieve sufficient altitude to defecate on my Range Rover?!

Richard

A big one!

James

Maybe it was a flying cow.

Richard

What?

Jeremy

James, you really do live in Hammersmith, don't you?

Richard

We should bear in mind this is the man who believes cows lay eggs, and he does. He said that on the show.

Jeremy

You say that --

James

I said eggs come from cows.

Richard

Well, you see...

Richard

Subaru Impreza, in budget, in the correct blue with gold alloys. Lovely.

Jeremy

WRX, this one.

Richard

It is, yes.

Jeremy

Could you get an STI -- in budget?

Richard

No.

Jeremy

P1.

Richard

No.

Jeremy

RB5.

Richard

Now you're just saying letters and numbers.

Jeremy

SK1?

Richard

That's the postcode for Stockport.

Jeremy

Yes, there's just one problem with the launch control. It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.

Richard

Why?

Jeremy

No, seriously, when you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right, a series of switches. Then you put your left foot on the brake, plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, yeah, and when the lights go green you take your foot of the brake and it goes. Computer sorts it out, as you say. So, OK, you're at the lights, [imitating loud engine noise] MEHHHH! And everyone's looking at you thinking, what an unintelligent man. [laughter]

Richard

It does makes a bit of a scene.

Jeremy

It does really.

James

You know what the most uncivilized thing you can do with a car -- is to use launch control at a zebra crossing. [laughter]

Jeremy

MEHHHH! Come on, old lady!

Richard

It would hurry 'em up!

Jeremy

Can we just say one other thing as well, about launch control? Only one of us has it fitted to our car.

Richard

Yeah, true.

Is it, no, it's him! [both point at James, who smiles sheepishly]

Jeremy

James May has launch control.

James

Yeah, but I don't use it.

Richard

Really?

Jeremy

You don't say!

James

No, it's --

Richard

Are you sure? Every time you leave the pie shop, "Thanks for the pies, I'm off! MEHHHH!"

Richard

I always struggle throwing boxes away.

Jeremy

Why?

Richard

Well because if you take the washing machine out of it, and fit that in your kitchen, and there's the box, all crisp and new and empty and I can't help but look at it, and part of my mind sees the potential. You look at it and you think, wow, that could be, like, a castle, or a -- you've been there! [laughter and awkward looks from Jeremy and James] Or a den, or a like car. I'm the same with shoe boxes. I don't think I've ever thrown one away ever, because you think, I could keep special things in it, or put it on it's side and you could have, like, a TV screen, or maybe you could use the big box as a spaceship and then the little one as a dashboard. Come on, you've been th-!

Jeremy

Richard? Are you all right? Seriously, because this is a man, with, there's no other way of putting this, with a helicopter licence.

Richard

The CAA said I was alright.

Jeremy

I know but, the CAA, if they're watching this, will think, "He's a madman!"

James

Well, it's not a real helicopter -- it's just the box his fridge came in.

Richard

Yeah, alright. I just make the noise! [laughter and applause]

[both imitating helicopter rotor noise]

Jeremy

[voiceover] Meanwhile...

Richard

[over the PA system] ? La la la la la la la la la la la la la! ? [annoyed looks from the passengers]

James

[over the PA system] Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy.