2nd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 628 of its 1,774 quotesJeremy Clarkson (406), James May (261)
Scenes with Richard Hammond 464
[during the news]
Now normally I wouldn't bring this up, but Citroën UK has appointed a new sales director OK? And his name is Charles Peugeot . [laughter]
I have photographic proof from Citroën [photo is shown on screen, proving that he is indeed named Charles Peugeot]
Richard It is! What were they thinking? What's his email address gonna be, charles.peugeot@citroën ! [audience laughs]
Hang on, hang on! What if they are lots of people called Charles Peugeot working at Citroën, so he ends up being [dissolves into laughter] , charles.peugeot405 ! Sorry, it wasn't worth it!
[to Richard] Could you just make that go a bit further in the back?
Richard [adjusting Jeremy's seat belt] I don't want you to ever say that to me again!
Richard Has The Stig ever been to a car wash before?
No, it'll be a whole new experience for him.
[After Richard introduced his Porsche GT3 RS]
What you've brought, mate, is a knife to a gunfight.
Richard How do you make that out?
Let me explain, OK? Premiership [pointing to James' Ferrari 458 Italia] , Premiership [pointing to his Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG] , [pointing to Richard's Porsche] Johnstone's Paint Trophy.
Can I just say how nice it is to be the elder statesman here with the grown-up car?
Richard With those doors? "Look at me, I'm an eagle and I'm here!" Can you get an optional extra where you hit a button and CO2 flows out as you get out in a Darth Vader costume?
Hammond, what is it that happens you drive a Ferrari 458 very fast -- on a hot day?
Richard I believe it catches fire.
Yeah, yeah, only a few have caught fire.
[After Richard and James leaves behind Jeremy to go to the hotel]
Richard Not going to be the same without the big ape, is it?
What a bin lid, honestly!
Richard He is a yobbo, though, isn't he? Four laps and he'd trashed it just by messing about. He doesn't think ahead.
[over the radio] I can still hear you, you short arse! [Richard laughs]
[During the news]
And the big news is, James and Richard have both had a horrible accident with a Flymo.
Richard No, no, listen!
Richard No - it was the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost the hair. I'm done.
And you actually think it's ended, dressed as Adam and the Ants?
Richard I've moved on.
What would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?
You can shut up, because in that film, you looked like Ted Nugent and now you look like Kojak. Where's it gone?
Richard It is noticeable, mate.
That from a man, ladies and gentlemen, who presumably was bald until puberty.
Ah, now, Rich, would you like some pussy? [laughter]
[looking enthused] Well, do I certainly..
Richard [looking confused] Well, it wasn't on my mind right now, it is now. I... Eh?
Pussy, energy drink. [showing off the canned drink]
Richard [laughing] I see! I did wonder.
Richard Leave it! Leave it!
Steady on, man. Leave it!
Richard Aaaaaargh!
The Stig has gone... We're like Genesis now.
Richard We're not like Genesis!
We are! And Then There Were Three!
Richard I hate Genesis!
[debating where they're landing]
Richard Well, if they came from the east, Norfolk.
Well, I tell you something, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.
[Richard is first off the plane, but the others don't follow him]
Richard YOU BASTARDS!
[to Jeremy, who's in front of him] Did you stall?
[feigning innocence] Yes, I did!
[a little later, after a rush from the landing plane]
Richard I'm alive! I'm hiding in a big shed!
[after Jeremy suggest to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible by going towards the Iranian border]
Richard Hang on, isn't - Bethlehem's over here, isn't it? (while pointing at Bethlehem on the map)
Richard Well, that's the way we want to go.
Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad perhaps. Have you ever seen a television programme called The News?
Richard Well, I'm aware of it.
Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.
Richard That's really bad, isn't it.
That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.
Richard And that where we are? (pointing at Arbil on the map) That's where it's really bad?
We are - less than a finger's width away. So up there (pointing to the map), into Iran, into Turkey, and then down there and that way, so we miss - we can get out of Iraq and then go 'round it.
So the wise men from the east are setting off east. Northeast.
[after learning they couldn't enter Iran being from the BBC] I bet the original three wise men never had this problem.
Richard But they weren't BBC were they?
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Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
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