Jeremy[voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...
Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."
Jeremy
[as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.
[voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me! Help. [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.
[Jeremy has been looking in some boxes of Hammond's mum. He has now found something, and is practically wetting himself with laughter. He stumbles over to James whilst still laughing]
Jeremy
James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]
Jeremy
They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]
[mocking] Late-night love...
Jeremy
[mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...
This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for] Oh! [tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!
[both crack up]
Jeremy
I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]
Jeremy
Can I just say, when we were 50 miles from Oslo we were neck in neck. Okay? Absolutely neck in neck. I made it to Oslo, flew home and was half way through supper before these guys arrivved at the finishing point. That's how badly it went wrong for them!
Well, I have to say it wasn't the end, we don't even know what that place was called.
Nobody spoke English to us.
No! And then there was a cash point and, that was unbelievable, it said 5000 kroner. Well how much is that? Do I buy a pencil sharpener or a car with that? And all I know is that's more than he [May] had because when he asked for that it said insufficient funds available. Which didn't go down well.
[During the news]
And the big news this week is Jeremy has been banned from driving for six months. Yes he has! [Audience cheers and applauds] I know! What do we do?
I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have to point out that it wasn't his local magistrate that banned him, it was his doctor!
It was and that's why it's taking him so long to get to the stage! [Jeremy slowly approaches the stage] Ooh, you look like you're in pain.
Jeremy
Yes, I am. I have a top speed of one.
Jeremy
I slipped two discs in my back and they told me not to drive or write. Thank you so much for that! That's kind of what I do!
[Jeremy and James are discussing the Vauxhall Astra and Jeremy is lamenting its lack of grip to go with its very powerful engine]
It's sort of exciting though, admit it.
Jeremy
It's exciting in the same way as being shot at is exciting.
[during the outdoor toys test]
Jeremy
You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?
Jeremy
He's had an operation.
Jeremy
[whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.
Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!
Jeremy
That's ...why [laughter]
With the saddle and everything!
[on the high powered quad bike]
Jeremy
This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!
It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!
[talking about the hovercraft]
Jeremy
Now, listen chaps, I have had the pleasure of driving one of these before and there are one or two things I need to tell you. First of all, okay, if you see an obstacle, like if we're going over there, if you see one of those trees coming towards you--too late, you're gonna hit it.
Jeremy
Well, you're not worried about that?
Well, if that's what happens….
Jeremy
You'll turn the handlebars, that won't make any difference--straight on, okay? So you think, "Alright, I'll lift off the power, the air will come out of the sack, it'll dig in and you'll be jettisoned at 50 miles an hour into the tree--
Oh, so you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.
Jeremy
Yes, that's your choice.
If we were to go to one of those offroad centers-they're springing up all over the place, where you can rent stuff out and do what we did, what would you have? And I'm telling you straight-away, it wouldn't be the racing quads, because you might as well just say, "I'd like to rent some death, please, for the day!"
Jeremy
Yeah, "I want to be dead within the hour!", "Certainly sir, have one of these!"
[During the news]
Jeremy
You told me the other day that your bike, whatever it is, sounds like you belching.
Jeremy
You did!
No. What I said was the sound at low revs from the exhausts is like the sound that a burp makes when it's forming [pointing at his stomach] down here...
Jeremy
I don't want to hear a forming burp going past my house on a Sunday afternoon, with someone dressed like a Power Ranger! I don't want that!
[during the news, talking about the website Top Gayer]
Jeremy
Right, there's a new motoring website that's come out. It's for homosexuals...
(Audience Laughs as Richard abruptly reacts.)
Jeremy
It's a motoring site for homosexuals. You know what they called it?
(An audience member at the back shouts "Top Queer")
Jeremy
No, not Top Queer...
(Audience laughs, followed by applause)
Jeremy
...though that's very good.
Jeremy
That's better than what they've come up with.
Jeremy
They've actually called it... "Top Gayer."
(Audience laughs as a screenshot of the site is shown.)
Jeremy
I like Top Queer more!
Yeah. We'll set up a rival one.
Jeremy
The best thing about it, okay? 'Cause I went in and checked this one out, and...
Jeremy
Yeah. The editor is called Rich. (Pauses then looks at Richard...)
Jeremy
No, he's put a CV of himself in and he says he lives in the Cotswolds...
Jeremy
He's got a 4x4.
Yes I have, but I'm not moonlighting as the editor of a gay website OK?
Jeremy
He's got a dog!
Yes look...I've got a...but it's not me!
Jeremy
He's had his teeth whitened.
I haven't had... I have not had my teeth whitened!
Jeremy
What they just become white?
In the same way that yours have gone green!
[Jeremy laughs]
It just happens to your teeth!
Jeremy
Anyway listen. If you are a homosexual and you want to know about... cars, write to "Richard Hammond, Suspiciously Neat House...
[Richard laughs]
Jeremy
...Dog Lane, The Cotswolds!"
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
