A character in Top Gear
Played by Jeremy Clarkson
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
Most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 1,331 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Richard Hammond (406), James May (323), Stephen Ladyman (5)
JeremyAbsolutely everybody here was faster than me. [talking about the Nürburgring]
Yes, that's true.
JeremyDo you think I'm going to be able to get 'round in ten minutes?
[laughing] No.
JeremyDon't sugar coat it like that, tell me straight.
You're not one hundred percent talent-free, but... eighty percent?
JeremyEighty percent talent free... right.
[During the £1500 Porsche challenge];
JeremyThis was a hugely advanced car when it first came out: polyurethane bumpers; first car ever to have passive rear wheel steering... I've always, always... oh my God, I've got steam.
Is Jeremy breaking down?
JeremyUh, guys, I've got a lot of steam coming out of the bonnet.
Did he say I've got some speed, or I've got some steam?
Jeremy[voice over] No, it was definitely steam and it was erupting after just two miles.
[Jeremy discovers a leak in his Porsche's cooling system and "fills" it with about 10L of water before giving up, with it gushing from the radiator almost as quickly]
Jeremy and Richard have gone off inside to buy an egg, in the hope that we can use that old trick of mixing the egg white into the coolant system and that will find and block...
JeremyThis, [He shows a chocolate Creme Egg] …this is Hammond's contribution. He's bought himself a chocolate egg.
[During the £1500 Porsche challenge]
JeremyWhat is the next challenge?
You've got to spend the change from your £1500 budget...
JeremyYeah..?
And with it, you've got to improve your car as much as possible and have it judged by an independent adjudicator who is from the Porsche owner's club.
Yeah, so you can spend all of the money from your £1500 that you didn't spend on your car... on your car.
JeremyHow much did you spend?
I spent £750 on my car, so I've got £750 to spend on improving it.
I spent £900 on my car which gives me £600 to spend in improving it.
How much did you spend?
Jeremy[mumbling] 1500
Sorry?
Jeremy1500
So you've got nothing to spend on improving it.
[Jeremy and Richard grumble about James' success in producing a number eleven skidmark off the line with his Porsche]
I've never seen him do anything that lairy!
JeremyThat is... thirty-one feet.
Not bad.
JeremyDon't tell him that. Yeah, you did about four inches, mate. Well done.
Give up!
JeremyYeah, that's four inches!
That's quite good!
JeremyYeah, no, that was me the other day in a Bentley.
[After Jeremy does an "Asian number eleven" burnout - a rather sloppy 720-degree doughnut, as his car lacks the power to spin up the wheels in a straight line] You can't have that!
JeremyLook, if you were from a region of China just near Tibet northeast you'd look and you go [affects terrible "Chinese" accent] "Ah, someone write ereven!"
[At the end of the challenge]
JeremySo, James, how much did you sell your Nine Forty Four for?
£1,400!
"Porsche 924 owner"... got it in first... "good looking, mild mannered, snappy dresser, 5'11".."
JeremyWhaat?! "Five foot eleven"?
"Mild mannered"?
It's a Lonely Hearts ad! If I put "angry short bloke," I won't get any replies!
JeremySo how many replies did you get?
None...
JeremyMy ad: "Porsche 928 driver — that's the V8 one"...
Did you actually put, "that's the V8 one"?
JeremyYes, right there, "that's the V8 one".
You actually did, ah.
Jeremy"Tall, slim hips, likes books with speedboats on the cover, would like to meet someone for friendship, maybe more."
Can I just point out: do you know where he put that ad? He put that in the "Men Seeking Men" column. [laughter]
[The Top Gear Awards]
Now, elsewhere in the world, awards are awarded to reward excellence. But here, on the Top Gear awards, we like to award an award that rewards a car that we found particularly unrewarding... in 2... 2004... that's not quite right, is it?
And the Hyundai Accent, which is wretched, whatever engine it has, but we were particularly depressed with three-cylinder diesel version. It really is less fun than drowning!
Jeremy(After being presented the Golden Cock award) "I am the Golden Cock!"
[regarding the Ferrari 612 Scaglietti]
Is this your vehicle?
JeremyD'ya know what? It isn't, no!
The last Proton I drove was something called the Impian. It was a very long journey and the car was so awful that - to be honest - I wanted to harm myself. [Commenting on the Proton Gen II]
[on the Kia Magentis]
JeremyI drove a manual one of these the other day and I couldn't believe it, it went 1st, 2nd... SEVENTH, 8th and 9th. Now, I know what they're trying to say, look, you got two gears for quick acceleration and three for good fuel economy. But actually, the acceleration wasn't that good and the fuel economy wasn't that good and you have nothing in the middle. This one has an automatic, which makes it, well... worse. There's a very good reason why its cheap, it's crap.
[The trio have chained themselves to a bus, in a mock eco protest]
What do we want?
JeremyA Range Rover!
When do we want it?
As soon as we can arrange easy financing!
[during the news, talking about the Greatest Driving Song]
Jeremy[to Richard] You! You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? He was on Radio 1, which is a small radio station for, like, four year olds, and he said that the best ever driving song was by a band called, what are they called, the baby-snatchers?
The BodyRockers, you poor bewildered old fool!
Jeremy[voiceover] ...Oxford isn't a city, it's a bus lane.
JeremyOxford hates cars!
[pointing to James' Jaguar] So it's really gonna hate this!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
