[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: I test the Cadillac CTS-V; Hammond tests the new BMW 3-Series; and we get three old ladies to test some small cars, because we couldn't be bothered.
“June 19th, 2005” · Season 6, Episode 4
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (7), James May (3), Richard Hammond (2)
[on the Stig]
Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[after getting a call that his Ford GT has been stolen - while he's actually in it]
If you shut this car down, I'm going to come down there and eat your heart!
[to Ford, via the camera, after his new Ford GT had broken down]
If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!
[he then clarifies this as removing all of the dog's bones]
For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000, ONO [May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement]
But unfortunately, its driver had become bored with waiting. [Clarkson walks up to the Audi S4 with the Stig asleep at the wheel and knocks on the windscreen] Stiggy! Wakey wakey! Listen. We're gonna do a race. Okay? You're going to drive the Audi, and see if you can get past the Cadillac. Okay?
[the Stig stares back through his helmet]
[looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?
[Jeremy has been looking in some boxes of Hammond's mum. He has now found something, and is practically wetting himself with laughter. He stumbles over to James whilst still laughing]
James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]
[grimacing] Ooh...
They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]
[mocking] Late-night love...
[mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...
This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for] Oh! [tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!
[both crack up]
I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]
[in the episode where their mums test three hatchbacks] Now we're just using boxes of old junk [lifts a box] cleared out of the mothers' lofts. You know, the kind of... the old tat that no one could possibly want, or... be prepared to read [holding up two of Jeremy's books and one of his solo videotapes]
[James's mother has just lapped the short circuit of their test track more than four seconds faster than Richard's mother]
You know how there's this global speculation about the identity of The Stig?
[Talking about the Peugeot 1007 electric doors] I think they were right about the Peugeot, because if we'd tested this we'd have spent all day with that button going "bzzzzt" and saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!".
[on the Peugeot 407]
Looks good but no, it'll fall to pieces. Made by people who eat onions!
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