Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Richard

[After launching a car from a gas cannon down onto a parked caravan] That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan!

Jeremy

You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

Jeremy

I actually took a photograph of these two [Richard and James] just after they'd arrived.

Richard

Ah.

Jeremy

Would you like to see it?

Yes!

Jeremy

Put, put it up.

Richard

Granted, that's not how we looked in our minds.

Jeremy

[singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the Y...

James

But that's an illustration of why we don't want to wear crash helmets. You will kill yourself; but at least when they lay you out at your funeral you won't have helmet hair.

Jeremy

I suppose you could all dress up as red Indians and construction workers, that's another option.

James

What you don't know is that we do.

James

Something I've just thought about though is, that car's got an extra five inches in it so that ou get better rear leg room, yeah?

Jeremy

Yeah.

Richard

Yeah.

James

Why don't they just make them all that long? Because you don't buy a jag because you want a small car, do you?

Richard

(somewhat meekly) Some of us don't need leg room.

Jeremy

This is from Mistress Goth, from the e-mail and she wants you to be her dungeon bitch. (Audience laughs) I'm not joking. Dungeon bitch.

Richard

(stammers and looks uncomfortable)

Jeremy

(interrupting) She says, no, no, she says that you won't have to walk around on your knees because he's so short he'd be a perfect foot rest.

Richard

Again, I'm thinking no.

Jeremy

Okay, well, just before you make your mind up we've got a photograph. We've actually went onto our website and here's the picture.

Richard

Oh my! She is a sturty girl, isn't she?

Jeremy

If she's looking for a hat stand I'm available.

Richard

Getting back to this head coming off business...

Jeremy

Yeah.

Richard

Presumably what happened was the car, what, dug in, flipped, rolled...

Jeremy

Several times.

Richard

Head came off.

Jeremy

Yeah.

Richard

Couldn't the same thing happen to us?

Jeremy

Ooh, I shouldn't think so.

Richard

Right.

Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?

Jeremy

Never. Do you?

No.

Jeremy

Foxes?

No!

Jeremy

No?

...children?

Jeremy

I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children.

You see, you see, you're too soft for this game.

James

Oh dear....

Jeremy

You'd drive that, would you?

Richard

Yes.

Jeremy

You live in Gloucestershire?

Richard

I do.

Jeremy

And you'd drive around in a purple convertible pickup truck?

Richard

Not a purple one, obviously...

Jeremy

...it even has the traditional Mercedes voice activated computer which doesn't understand a blind word you're on about. Let me show you... Dial number.

Dialling.

Jeremy

I haven't told you what to dial yet... Dial number.

The number please?

Jeremy

[quickly] 01785.

0785.

Jeremy

No, you missed the one.

Pardon?

Jeremy

You missed the one.

The number is deleted, please continue.

Jeremy

See what I mean?

202.

Jeremy

Where did that come from?

Pardon?

Jeremy

And so it goes on.

Jeremy

[on the Fiat Barchetta] Who said it's still a Fiat? What's wrong with the Fiat?

They're not good. They're French!

Jeremy

Where the hell do we get this audience from?!

Richard

A gardening programme, mate...

Jeremy

Do you know what Fiat stands for, the "I" in it?! Italia!

Richard

You know sometimes, when a thought pops into your head? You should kinda leave it there...and not put it out in the world.

Jeremy

[apparently shocked] Did I just say that all out loud, then?

Richard

Oh, yes mate, sorry, you did.

Jeremy

God another thought's just popped into my head, 'bout how like the cat in Shrek 2 you look like.

Jeremy

Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...

Richard

[very calm thus far] Oh, right.

Jeremy

[reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.

Richard

[frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?

Jeremy

You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...

Richard

She said that? She sounds all right!

Jeremy

Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.

Richard

It's a modern world, that's all right.

Jeremy

But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?

Richard

Not really, no...

Jeremy

The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.

Richard

Broadmoor?

Jeremy

He's getting out soon and he wants to know-

Richard

But he could be watching now! Shut up!

Jeremy

[Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'

Richard

No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?

James

Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.

Richard

I don't like that.

James

[talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?

Jeremy

Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.

James

I approve of those.

Jeremy

Why?

James

Because I'm a motorcyclist.

Jeremy

What's that got to do with it?

James

There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.

Jeremy

It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought--why?

James

The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]

Jeremy

Why is there no numberplate?

James

I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.

Richard

'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.

James

So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.

Jeremy

Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?

Richard

Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...

Jeremy

Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.

Richard

Oh! Ooh no!

Jeremy

It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...

Jeremy

Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.

Yes, Shell.

Jeremy

Middle Management?

Yeah, middle - I was in marketing, for oil.

Jeremy

Okay...

...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?

Jeremy

Yeah.

Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?

Jeremy

Yeah?

Buy some petrol. Job done.

Jeremy

They make £800,000 an hour, profit. Shell.

An hour? That's more than I make in a week!

Jeremy

This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!

Richard

I love it, I think this is the big one.

Jeremy

Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!