[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.
“November 14th, 2004” · Season 5, Episode 4
In this episode: Richard Hammond (7), Jeremy Clarkson (5), James May (3)
[During the news]
[talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?
Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.
I approve of those.
Why?
Because I'm a motorcyclist.
What's that got to do with it?
There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.
It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought--why?
The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]
Why is there no numberplate?
I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.
'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.
So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.
Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?
Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...
Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.
Oh! Ooh no!
It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...
[Interview with Jimmy Carr]
Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.
JJimmy
Yes, Shell.
Middle Management?
JJimmy
Yeah, middle - I was in marketing, for oil.
Okay...
JJimmy
...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?
Yeah.
JJimmy
Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?
Yeah?
JJimmy
Buy some petrol. Job done.
They make £800,000 an hour, profit. Shell.
JJimmy
An hour? That's more than I make in a week!
James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans.
That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.
[to a pizzaboy at night in the woods] I suppose you are the headless pizzaboy of the apocalypse, are you?
[during the conclusion of the Pagani Zonda Roadster review]
This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!
I love it, I think this is the big one.
Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!
[While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good.
[While driving the Pagani Zonda Roadster through a tunnel] There are demons in here! AND I'M DRIVING ONE!
[While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] I would sell my house, buy one of these and live in a tunnel. [...] Welcome to the Dark Side!
[On the Wally 118]
Welcome to the coolest thing in the entire world, a boat...If Darth Vader was a pirate, this would be his ship.
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