Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Richard

As we stand here, both of these cars are slowly sinking into the floor. They're that heavy.

Jeremy

So if I were to say to you, "OK, I'm going to shave your poodle... "

Richard

Right.

Jeremy

"... unless you tell me which one you'd have."

Richard

[looks at a loss]

Jeremy

Which one or the poodle's bald.

Richard

... Bring on the razor, mate, I'm afraid.

Now, Indians do like bling. I mean, if there was a Datsun Bling...

Jeremy

Well, hold on a minute. Now, we've had flexing, I've got that, and winding... what's bling?

Bling is just, you know, flash. Color. It's kind of like - Indian parents, traditional Indian parents, are the only ones who'd watch The Fast and the Furious and say, [in Indian accent] "If you became an accountant, you should get a car like that."

You hopeless pom.

Jeremy

Shut up.

And you got lucky in the rugby.

Jeremy

Shut up!

Jeremy

Now, we've seen that it started.

James

Yeah, it did start.

Jeremy

But did it move?

James

I can hardly believe this myself - ladies and gentlemen, here it is!

Richard

But it does sound a lot like a TVR in feeling, you know, noisy and different...

Jeremy

Yes, except a TVR has got a better interior than this, and actually, I think a TVR will be more reliable.

Richard

[giggling] Just how bad was that knock on your head?

I wanted a people carrier, but you've slated it so much on the show.

Jeremy

Well people carriers are for people who've given up.

Look at me!

Jeremy

It's the Enemy of the State Award, the person who's done the most to harm the cause of the petrolhead these last 12 months. Gentlemen, the nominations.

Richard

The Chief Constable of North Wales, Richard Brunstrom, for his resolutely unpopular anti-motorist stance.

James

There are no more nominations.

Jeremy

Whoa, what are the noises for? Do you like it?

No!

Richard

Heck, I do, Actually, I think that looks great! [silence] Maybe it's the shirt?

Jeremy

How much is it going to cost?

Richard

It's going to cost... well, they'll generally be about £2500 more than the equivalent hard top. So the Cooper S, the Supercharged version of that, £17 500, £15 500 for the coupe. About £13 500 I think for the mini one.

James

That's horrible.

Richard

Well, yeah, but the mini- it's not a cheap small car. It's an expensive small car. And I like that [points at mini].

Jeremy

It's a metrosexual car.

A What?

Jeremy

Metrosexual! It's the new thing! It's for the chap, he doesn't wanna be too butch, he doesn't wanna have like, you know, a big 4x4, he spends quite a bit of money on hair products- [gestures towards Richard]

Richard

Don't point at me, mate.

Jeremy

He's interested in shirts, probably wears cowboy boots- [Richard is looking sheepishly at his feet, which are clad in cowboy boots] -That kind of thing! He's a blend of gay and not-gay.

Richard

[talking over Jeremy] I am not a metro-flamin'-sexual!

Jeremy

You are a metrosexual! I can see you in one of those! [Points at the Mini Cooper's picture]

Richard

Apart from anything else, how would you know what a metrosexual is?

Jeremy

I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.

Richard

You're probably right.

Jeremy

Have you seen the back seats of the Discovery?

Richard

They're magnificent!

James

Fantastic!

Richard

It's worth getting one--well you won't get one 'cos...

Jeremy

Jesus is here!

Richard

Well, we never knew!

Jeremy

Who have we booked as the guest this week?

Richard

Maybe he's not suppose to be on yet.

Jeremy

Is he the guest? That would be something, we'll have some viewers then!

At least I'm not too tall for my hair, eh Jeremy?

Wahey!

Richard

What I really do want is a radio.

Jeremy

(Listening to his radio) Robbie Williams played through a 1980's Volvo stereo.

Richard

I'd listen to radio 3! Or The Archers on 4!

Jeremy

(singing along) Thoughts running through my head...

Richard

Oh, I wish I had a radio!

Jeremy

That's the worst stereo I've ever heard in my life.

Richard

God, I wish I had a radio!

Jeremy

(smug) But it is a stereo. And Hammond doesn't have one.

Richard

If I were a rich man, bidibidibidibidibidibidibidiboom! Okay, I've done "If I Were a Rich Man." Any other suggestions?

Jeremy

If I were a tall man?

Richard

Funny...Very funny...

Jeremy

Yes, but we've been wondering all week, why? Because it is impossible to commit a motoring offence in Italy!

James

I've been stopped by the Italian police.

Jeremy

What for?

James

I was doing about 110 in an Aston Martin DB7. I overtook the police car on a left hand bend and he pulled me up at the next lay-by because I'd left the filler flap open at the garage.

Jeremy

It's a style thing is what you're saying.

Richard

What? Spoling the lines of the car?

James

He didn't even say anything. He came out and he went up and he went (mimes pushing the filler cap closed with a stern expression). I thought I was going to get a ticket for being unsetting.

Jeremy

Yes, he's dead, so that's ten points away there! And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear...

Richard

No, no wait, look! He's coming 'round!

Jeremy

He's alive!

Richard

He lives!... That's not ten points off, though. Blast.

[upon Richards arrival] HE'S BOUGHT A ROVER!!!

Jeremy

[reading] "Each of you must drive your car into a wall at 30 mph. You lose 10 points if you're killed, 5 points for each broken bone, and 1 point for each blood injury."

Richard

Right. That sounds-...

Jeremy

I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually.

Richard

With your Volvo.

Jeremy

With my Volvo.

Richard

By contrast, with my Rover made entirely of rust, I'm feeling a bit scared. [to May, who is looking unhappy] James, are you all right?

James

Have a crash? On purpose?