My mom is a manic-depressive schizophrenic. Drugging the family, trying to kill Dad, high-speed police chase. Norman Rockwell is bleeding. Never again, Mom.
S1 E7Mom's Not Nuts
S1 E8Intervention
TTitus
We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.
But I haven't had a drink in a month.
TTitus
Dad, we'd like you to start again.
[Ken, having started drinking again, reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus in which Titus was naked.]
The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!
[disgusted] There was a plot?
You were a pirate.
[Titus moans in disgust.]
RRich
You see a man drowning, you throw him a beer.
S1 E9Episode Eleven
TTitus
Dad, is there anything I can do?
See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)
TTitus
(pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--
I'll name him Ho-John Titus.
TTitus
Dad--
Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.
TTitus
(pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?
(turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?
[As a practical joke, Titus has convinced hospital staffers to shave Ken's testicles.]
I look like a nine year-old boy.
CROfficer Charlie Regan
You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.
And I want my pot back.
TTitus
Dave, we're bribing him.
But he already has my pot!
My dad has gotten so good at having heart attacks, he drove himself to the hospital because, (imitating Ken): "They won't let me smoke in the ambulance." And, you can't go on a burger run.
(cut to POV shot of an In-and-Out Burger worker [shown as "Minimum Wage Cam"] handing Ken his burger order at the drive-thru while Ken is clearly in distress from his heart attack)
Ken (breathlessly): No cheese, right? I have a heart thing. (takes the order and clutches his chest)
S2 E1Titus is Dead
[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]
Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
TTitus
He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!
NKNurse Kathy
Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
Whoa, whoa, whoa -- attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!
Ken (to Titus): I wish you were still in my loins. I wish you never grew in your mother's womb. You should have been fetal research. You're dead to me! Dead! (slams the door in Titus' face)
S2 E2The Test
Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.
TTitus
Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.
Is there something wrong with my sperm?
[Titus glares at Dave.]
TTitus
I'm sure of it.
S2 E3The Surprise Party
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property.
Taco Night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.