Dave Titus quotes from Titus

Dave

Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.

Dave

Taco Night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!

Dave

Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.

You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.

Dave

And I want my pot back.

Dave, we're bribing him.

Dave

But he already has my pot!

Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.

Dave

Is there something wrong with my sperm?

I'm sure of it.

Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.

Erin

Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!

Dave

He got to her!

Dave, she likes me.

Dave

[slyly] Oh, right.

He's probably stuck in traffic.

[accusingly] Or in a mason jar.

Dave

Or something you put jam in!

Like a mason jar.

Dave

Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?

[scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?

Tommy

You said make it look like an accident!

[incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?

Dave

Yeah, dumbass.

Okay, what's the record?

Dave

(through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!

What?

Dave

Fifteen stairs!

All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!

Dave

Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!

I can hear the ocean.

Dave, why don't you tell us what you really want?

Dave

(sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!

Dave, thank God you're not dead!

Dave

Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.

I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!

We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.

Dave

Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!

Dave!

Dave

I mean, my secret stash of... pot.

Where's my tux?

Tommy

Somebody's bringing it.

"Somebody" who?

Tommy

Nobody. Dave.

No!

Dave

[walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!

George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!

Dave

Delaware is famous for its whores.