[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]
Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
TTitus
He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!
S2 E1Titus is Dead
NKNurse Kathy
Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
Whoa, whoa, whoa -- attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!
Ken (to Titus): I wish you were still in my loins. I wish you never grew in your mother's womb. You should have been fetal research. You're dead to me! Dead! (slams the door in Titus' face)
S2 E2The Test
Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.
TTitus
Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.
Is there something wrong with my sperm?
[Titus glares at Dave.]
TTitus
I'm sure of it.
S2 E3The Surprise Party
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property.
Taco Night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!
How many massacres have started off with "Surprise!"? Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. (breaks down crying): My uncle's 50th birthday...I WAS THERE, MAN! (wailing): How many more have to die?!
Kathy will be my sixth mother, which means, here comes the "I hope I can give you what your other mothers couldn't" speech. Okay, Kathy, (holds up a wooden shield): show me what ya got!
(switch to the real world)
KKathy
I want you to know I'm on your side.
(switch to the Neutral Space. Titus still has his shield up)
She's on my side. (ducks as an arrow hits the shield): Ooh, worked for Stepmom #2 and #4. Not today!
(switch to the real world)
KKathy
I know I can't be your mom, but I'd like to be your friend.
(switch to the Neutral Space. Titus still has the shield up)
She can't be my mom, but she'd like to be my friend. (ducks as another arrow hits the shield): Oooh. My real mom said that.
(switch to the real world)
KKathy
Because you are such an upstanding young man. At least, that's what your dad says.
What?
(switch to the Neutral Space. Titus lowers the shield)
Dad said that? (the arrow hits Titus in the chest)
S2 E4What's Up Hollywood?
TTitus
Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.
Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
He got to her!
TTitus
Dave, she likes me.
[slyly] Oh, right.
[After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]
You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!
S2 E5Locking Up Mom
Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.
Well, Mom is like a criminal.
[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]
JJuanita
He's probably stuck in traffic.
TTitus
[accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Or something you put jam in!
[Titus stares at Dave.]
TTitus
Like a mason jar.
When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life. (chokes up): And I was stunned...because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.
Normal families had a junk drawer. Dad and I had an evidence locker. During show and tell, I always went last 'cuz nobody could follow me.
(flashback to Christopher standing in front of the classroom, playing one of Juanita's threatening voice messages from an answering machine as the teacher and a girl sitting in front cry their eyes out)
Juanita (from the answering machine): YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE THAT HOUSE IN A BODY BAG!
(the teacher sobs harder as Pre-Teen Christopher stops the recording)
PTPre-Teen Titus
My daddy calls it, "People's Exhibit A." (walks back to his desk, but stops by a boy's desk with a cage on it. To the boy): Let's see your crappy gerbil top that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.