Titus quotes from Titus

Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.

Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.

Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?

My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.

My dad has gotten so good at having heart attacks, he drove himself to the hospital because, (imitating Ken): "They won't let me smoke in the ambulance." And, you can't go on a burger run.

In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property.

How many massacres have started off with "Surprise!"? Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. (breaks down crying): My uncle's 50th birthday...I WAS THERE, MAN! (wailing): How many more have to die?!

When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life. (chokes up): And I was stunned...because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.

Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.

All right, listen up everybody. We're going to eat like a family.

Look, I'm asking you to help me with your daughter. I'm not asking you to come to my shop at midnight and cobble some shoes.

Of all the survivors of domestic abuse, 80% never tell anyone. (as he's backing up to pull down the window shade): Of all the 6'2", 200lb. men beaten up by 5', 98lb women...(lowers the shade, pulls off his Santa beard, revealing a bruised and scratched up face, whispers): 100% never tell anyone. (picks up the taped-up note from Noelle): "Dear Christopher, I love you too much: that's the problem. Be mine forever, and I promise I'll never hurt you. Love, Noelle." God bless us, everyone.

Hey, guys, you know you're out in public. In front of people. Bumping nipples!

Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute. I'm not an idiot.

My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield.