Titus quotes

82 total quotes

All Seasons
 Season 1   Season 2   Season 3  

Bill: Where is all of this anger coming from?
Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!
Season 3

Christopher: People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.

Cop: We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.
Dave: Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
Titus: Dave!
Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... pot.

Dave I'm Integritous. It's my gladiator name.

Dave: Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.

Dave: Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.

Dave: Taco Night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!

Erin: Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.
Titus: Well, Mom is like a criminal.

Erin: Christopher, you know how some girls have dreams about being beauty queens, or astronauts, or doctors?
Titus: No.
Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.

Erin: So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!
Titus: Honey, your dad is not dead.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.

Erin: You slept with her?
Titus: She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!

Erin: You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin: Everybody knows that!
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me!

Erin: You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.
Titus: [confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?

Grandma Titus: George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!
Dave: Delaware is famous for its whores.

Jerry October: Dave, why don't you tell us what you really want?
Dave: (sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!