Titus quotes

Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.

Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.

Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

Erin

So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!

Honey, your dad is not dead.

Erin

[with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.

All he does is mess with people's minds!

Ken

You're right, I do.

See, you're doing it right now!

Ken

[slyly] No, I'm not.

Yes, you are!

Ken

All right, I am.

Stop it!

Christopher

Daddy! My key doesn't work in the door any more! I have laundry!

Ken

[opens door] Laundry? [squirts dish soap over Titus' shirt] Here's some soap. Go find a rock in a river.

Erin

You slept with her?

She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!

Ken

(flashback) Hey, it was just a bad call. Bad call on your part! I cheated on my last wife with you! What did you think was going to happen? Caveat emptor, baby! Great ass.

I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.

Tommy

"Integritous"?

It's a word.

Dad, Teacher said we can be anything we wanted to be.

Ken

She wasn't talking to you, son. Now, go in the backyard and practice digging some holes.

A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?

Erin

I never got to see Ireland.

Honey, you never got to see San Diego.

Erin

[with dry sarcasm] That helps.

My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.

Ken Titus

I hear Looney Tunes made dinner... I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.