How many massacres have started off with "Surprise!"? Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. (breaks down crying): My uncle's 50th birthday...I WAS THERE, MAN! (wailing): How many more have to die?!
S2 E3The Surprise Party
Kathy will be my sixth mother, which means, here comes the "I hope I can give you what your other mothers couldn't" speech. Okay, Kathy, (holds up a wooden shield): show me what ya got!
(switch to the real world)
KKathy
I want you to know I'm on your side.
(switch to the Neutral Space. Titus still has his shield up)
She's on my side. (ducks as an arrow hits the shield): Ooh, worked for Stepmom #2 and #4. Not today!
(switch to the real world)
KKathy
I know I can't be your mom, but I'd like to be your friend.
(switch to the Neutral Space. Titus still has the shield up)
She can't be my mom, but she'd like to be my friend. (ducks as another arrow hits the shield): Oooh. My real mom said that.
(switch to the real world)
KKathy
Because you are such an upstanding young man. At least, that's what your dad says.
What?
(switch to the Neutral Space. Titus lowers the shield)
Dad said that? (the arrow hits Titus in the chest)
S2 E4What's Up Hollywood?
TTitus
Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.
Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
He got to her!
TTitus
Dave, she likes me.
[slyly] Oh, right.
[After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]
You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!
S2 E5Locking Up Mom
Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.
Well, Mom is like a criminal.
[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]
JJuanita
He's probably stuck in traffic.
TTitus
[accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Or something you put jam in!
[Titus stares at Dave.]
TTitus
Like a mason jar.
When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life. (chokes up): And I was stunned...because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.
Normal families had a junk drawer. Dad and I had an evidence locker. During show and tell, I always went last 'cuz nobody could follow me.
(flashback to Christopher standing in front of the classroom, playing one of Juanita's threatening voice messages from an answering machine as the teacher and a girl sitting in front cry their eyes out)
Juanita (from the answering machine): YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE THAT HOUSE IN A BODY BAG!
(the teacher sobs harder as Pre-Teen Christopher stops the recording)
PTPre-Teen Titus
My daddy calls it, "People's Exhibit A." (walks back to his desk, but stops by a boy's desk with a cage on it. To the boy): Let's see your crappy gerbil top that.
S2 E6The Perfect Thanksgiving
[at the hospital, after the Tituses and Fitzpatricks got into a Thanksgiving family fued]
Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.
[Titus has shrieked after having his shoulder re-located]
Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?
TTitus
[scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?
All right, listen up everybody. We're going to eat like a family.
Merritt (drunkenly): I swallowed a lot of blood. I'm full.
Look, I'm asking you to help me with your daughter. I'm not asking you to come to my shop at midnight and cobble some shoes.
Nora (laughs, to Erin): I like this guy.
S2 E7Tommy's Girlfriend
Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.
[Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend.]
You said make it look like an accident!
TTitus
[incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?
Yeah, dumbass.
S2 E8The Reconciliation
Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?
TTitus
I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.
[Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]
He sounds like some dime store shrink!
BBill
Stanford, actually.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.