Tommy Shafter quotes from Titus

I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.

Tommy

"Integritous"?

It's a word.

Tommy

The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!

[disgusted] There was a plot?

Tommy

You were a pirate.

Tommy

You said make it look like an accident!

[incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?

Dave

Yeah, dumbass.

Tommy

I'm letting her out.

Go ahead.

Tommy

OWWW!

She might bite you.

Tommy

It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!

Yeah. And I'm looking at her.

Ken Titus

There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.

Tommy

I'm not gay!

Ken Titus

Yeah, tell it to your shirt.

Where's my tux?

Tommy

Somebody's bringing it.

"Somebody" who?

Tommy

Nobody. Dave.

No!

Dave

[walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!

Tommy

Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'm a homo!

*spit-take*

Tommy

Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?

Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?

Tommy

I'm not gay.

Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.

I hate bullies!

Tommy

You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!

What's your point?