What am I supposed to do with these, tell their fortunes?
2#21
They are Magic: The Gathering cards, not Tarot cards. You can toss them at their heads. Well, you catch a corner with one of those and they'll know what hit them.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Mommy, how do you know where to go?
I'm not your mommy! And I put a tracer on the Monarch when we were first dating- HANK, take this right!
I'm driving! I'm a driver!
DGDean & Dr. Girlfriend
(in unison) We know!
Yeah, tracer. You do stuff like that when you date super villains.
Where'd you put it? Is it in his brain? Or is it like a secret tracer tooth?
No, I hid it in my mouth and I jammed it up his- (smirking) Honey, like I said, you do some pretty strange things when you date super villains.
Oh yes, apart from 'Behold-the-Giant-Walking-Death-Ray' speech, the 'Welcome-To-Hell' speech is my favorite.
You told me you never put a tracer on another man!
[To Dr. Girlfriend] He's only a man...and no man is immune to your charms.
Pfff...'No man'. I'm still looking for the scars on her.
[The Limb shoots him with a Tranquiliser Dart]
[Defensively] What? I'm a supervillain.
Who are all these people?
Are they all mommy's other boyfriends?
Stop calling me your fucking mommy!
(to his new henchmen) The most reckless, graceless exhibition of henchmenism I've ever seen! You think you're all a bunch of hot shot young Turk 182's, don't ya? Well there are rules in this business! It's about finesse. We don't just go in, guns-a-blazing willy-nilly. And where did you get real guns anyway, huh? Those aren't standard issue! Hand them over!! (henchmen laugh) What is this, funny to you? I said hand over your firearms or I will be forced to... (henchmen raise their guns at the Monarch, #21 raises his hands up)
When Brock is reactivated by the Office of Secret Intelligence to track down a rogue agent, he subcontracts his ex-girlfriend, the malevolent mercenary Molotov Cocktease, to protect the Venture Compound from enemies within and without.
You Colonel Gathers?
(sounding like Hunter S. Thompson) What! Oh no you don't! (tackles Brock and sits on his chest, holding a knife to his throat) What do you want from me? Who sent you, you bastard?
Personnel! Special Agent-in-Training Brock Samson reporting for duty.
Don't you salute me, you bastard! (stabs Brock's hand with a knife)
Ow!
Leave that Little John-John crap back in Biloxi.
Yes sir!
And don't sir me, damn you! You're not in the Marines anymore. This is intelligence. Start using it.
Okay, Colonel... uuh...
Call me Hunter. Now let me get a good look at you. Good god! They're making 'em big now a days. Don't they know there's a gas crunch on?. Look at the size of you. (reads file) Samson, Brock. Born Omaha, Nebraska to a single mother. Half Swedish, quarter Polish, quarter Winnebago. You lost your virginity at fourteen, have one brother and you enjoy Motocross. (burns file with cigarette) The Brock Samson you knew and were is dead. Happy birthday, Frankenstein! You're O.S.I.'s baby now. Are you prepared to do whatever your country asks of you?
Yes.
Can you keep your head about you when you're confronted with mind-blowing weirdness at every turn?
Yes!
Are you ready for anything?
Yes!
(pause) Are you still ready for anything?
Yes!
Wrong! (smashes Brock across the knee with a metal pole) Lesson number one: trust no one. Minute God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them. Get up, damn you! (throws Brock a jetpack) Strap 'er on kid, your training starts now. When I'm through with you, you'll be a member of the elite agency that's been thanklessly defending this big-ass country since the second American Revolution.... the invisible one. Welcome to the Office of Secret Intelligence, Samson!
So for the next couple of days, it's yours. I'm trusting you to protect these people.
MCMolotov Cocktease
(scornfully) From what? Bed bugs and tummy aches?
Hey, you'd be surprised how many enemies Doctor Venture has. We get into some pretty hot situations here.
Brock, which of these looks better? The velour or the Italian knit? Oh, hello.
Doc, this is Molotov Cocktease. I hired her to watch out for you guys while I'm on assignment.
Charmed. Oh uh, and I got some iodine on this. Do you have time to get that out for me before you run off to play Cowboys and Indians?
MCMolotov Cocktease
Say the word and he's dead. We could be in Monaco by midnight.
Ahh, pardon?
Ah Doc, come here with me a second.
Did you check her references?
Yeah.
Oh great, she's one of your hussies isn't she? You're putting my life in the hands of a hussy.
She's a mercenary not a... hussy.
Did you have... relations with her?
Ehhh, no, I didn't.
Hmm, well then Rusty calls dibs. God, she must jazzercise night and day.
(Hank waves to Molotov)
Hi! I'm Hank!
(Molotov exhales her cigarette smoke in his face)
(sighs) You know, it's not costin' ya anything.
VDr. Venture
What is she, an intern? She getting credit for this in Murder School?
I worked out a trade. You know how Russians are goofy for American jeans? Well, I snagged a planeload of them the last time we were down in Bolivia. (he opens a hatch on the X-1 and a "manaconda" slithers out, hissing)
Manaconda!
(Molotov jumps on the manaconda's back, drawing her sword)
VDr. Venture
Alright, she's nimble. I'll grant you that. Can she close the deal?
Wait.
(Molotov slices the manaconda in half, releasing several baby manacondas)
Eww. Wo-manaconda.
Well, let's say we get you settled in. Shall I make up the fold-out couch in my dad's old study for you, or, ahh, would you be more comfortable in the master suite?
Get something straight, I am here only as a favor to that man whose feet you aren't even fit to kiss. I am not protecting your lives, I am saving his. Because by the time he gets back, you will no longer need a baby sitter. I'm going to turn you into men.
So easy to lose track of matters temporal in my vocation. My apologies for the error Miss uhh...
VDr. Venture
Cocktease.
Oh, umm of course. How do you do?
Gee thanks for coming Dr. O., too bad you can't stay longer.
Well I don't really have to be anywhere.
(coldly) I said good day sir.
VDr. Venture
(to Molotov) Well, after that rigamarole I could use a night cap. Care to join me? I've been squirreling away a bottle of cooking sherry for a special occasion but, haha, heck this is cause enough to celebra... (Molotov walks off) some other time then.
No no, it sounds delightful. I'll get the glasses.
(Hank is removing posters from his wall)
What are you doing with Danica Patrick?
I'm over her, you want this?
Nah, not my type.
Wanna keep the Fun-Tak at least?
(Dean shakes his head no)
Whoa, not Mary Lou Retton too! What's going on with you?
(sighs) Dean, Dean. I sometimes forget that you're younger than me.
By a lousy four minutes!
Then maybe in four minutes you'll understand. It took a real woman to finally show me that these girls, fine atheletes and easy on the eye both, were but the mere crushes of a boy. And you, my friend, are looking at....a man.
(gasps) You finally got 'em?
(covering his crotch) A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells.
Why is my brother dressed like that?
I didn't ask. I thought you two liked to dress like idiots.
Hey!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.