The Venture Bros. quotes

Brock

(sigh) When do we get to do somethin'?

Stakeouts are 80% of the job, boyo. (Brock touches his fake moustache) Don't pull at that! A convincing cover is the other 20%.

Brock

(sigh) So. No women, no children —

No women, no children. Them's rules. Separates us from the baddies.

Brock

But what if she's an enemy agent?

Uh-uh.

Brock

An assassin?

No.

Brock

A double-agent assassin who just killed the President.

No sir. Non-lethal takedown only. President's not the president anyway, you know that.

Brock

Oh. Hey, how about, you know, uh... a lady Dracula?

You mean, le vampyr? Nosferatu?

Brock

Guess.

Undead. Not technically a woman in that regard, so you got no beef there. Also, fictitious. (Brock lifts a baguette to his mouth) Do not eat that, it's C4!

Triana Orpheus

Hey, Dean.

Dean

Triana! Thank god!

(sarcastically) Nice bod.

Dean

Thanks, I've been working out... a lot.

Triana

Hey, we came over to use the pool, is that cool?

Dean

No, it's not cool. Nothing is cool.

Triana

You seem a little weird, are you guys ok?

Dean

(whispering) She's killing us.

Dean

...and Hank, I don't know what his deal is, it's like he's actually enjoying this.

The Scooby-Doo kid? Where'd he go?

Dean

He's swimming laps... uh oh. (Hank is unconscious at the bottom of the pool)

Listen, we kinda got off on the wrong foot, you and I, and I don't mean the one you just kicked my teeth in with, I mean earlier. So, fine. If you're not interested the one hundred and thirty five pounds of grade A American come-and-get-it, I can respect that. But, uh, we can at least be friends right? (Molotov smiles and shakes his hand) So tell me, friend, you might know this. The whole Russian mail-order-bride deal on the Internet, is that on the up and up?

(coldly) I wouldn't know.

Because those Chinese ones are a real racket. The damn thing was already dead when the crate finally showed up!

Nyet! Ew, milk breath.

Hank

Incredible.

Dean

Hank! We've got big troubles. The Apaches are back!

Hank

What?

Dean

Look. Tepee in your trunks!

Hank

My pants are haunted! My pants are haunted!

Do you want me, Hank?

Hank

Yes'm.

Your father will never let us be together. He's a big old doodyhead who wants me all to himself.

Hank

He's a jerk!

Yes, Hank, he is. But what are you going to do about it? (she reveals her breasts, which are in fact duplicates of Hank's head)

Kill pop! Kill pop! Kill pop! You should totally kill pop.

Hank

Father...

Yes, Hank?

Hank

I want to kill you...

That's nice. Play pirate somewhere else, boy. Your father's busy.

Hank, nyet!

Hank

Molotov... I want to... oh baby!!!

Brock

Whu - What the Hell did you do to him?

(German Accent) Only whad she azked me to do!

Brock

This man was like a father to me!

Well, zink of ziss woman as, like, a mother to jou.

Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] He-he's your muh-mother and your fuh-father... [Collapses into tears]

Brock

Where's Hank?

Up in his room. Our little man is grounded.

Brock

What'd he do?

Get this, I'm working in the lab, right? And Hank sleepwalks in, hauls off and smacks me in the head with a papier-mache sword, pees his pants and passes out.

Brock

So, I didn't miss much?

Pfft. What's there to miss?

Brock

What happened?

Hank

Yeah Clarissa, explain it all

Dean

That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army, and one of the mummys has a magic scepter. Don't move Hank, he's right behind you!

Hank

What? Yep. That's just Mummy-Mum-Muggy. He's a good mummy, Dean-o. Right? Muggy friend. (scratches the mummy's chin) Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who's a good mummy?

Brock

Hank, get your brother's head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.

Hank

Muggy might know! (continues scratching Muggy's chin) Where's the exit? Tell us boy. (Muggy's head, except for the lower jaw, falls off)

Brock

This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?

The Master

Orpheus, you are my best and brightest pupil, even if you do taste a little salty. You're ready, Orpheus. Now get the hell out of this closet and go win that incredibly gay contest! Go! Go!

Created by Tam, the self-created, hatched by the same egg which emerged Ra, behold the Perfect Man! Praise he who will reign over all!

That's very impressive. Looks like he hates his foot.

Oh, still?! He's been doing that all day!

Dean

Aww, can't we keep him?

Hank

Yeah, dad, can't we? We'll feed the Perfect Man and clean up after him and everything! Super swear! Please??

No. He's an abomination. Go ahead, Brock.

I have more bullets you know. You gotta stop doing that.

I know, it just looks so cool...

Well go get it!

Fine.

Give me the Hand of Osiris!

Give me head.

You didn't just say that!

I absolutely did. What are you gonna do about it?

(confused) I'm... about to kill your sons.

Join the club!