Brock Samson quotes from The Venture Bros.

Dean

No worries, Brock. I'll walk you through the written portion. Question 1: You're in Prague. A sniper's in the window above you. There's an alligator behind you, and a grizzly bear in front of you. What do you do? Do you-

Brock

Back somersault, pry off the alligator's jaw, use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper. When he falls out the window, the grizzly'll go straight for the easier meal.

Dean

Uh... the answer's C.

Hank

You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even wanna be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough?

Brock

[stops] Hank, seriously, when I get my license back I'm allowed to kill you.

Hank

Oh. [Hurriedly removes his foot] Sorry, Brock.

Brock

[He eyes a glass of raw eggs that Hank has given him] Did you spit in this?

Hank

Don't eyeball me, Samson! Drink it!

Hank

Come on Brock, you need strong cardio-vascular agility training!

Brock

[pause] No.

She's looking at me, what do I do?

Brock

Give her five bucks.

Brock

Little worried about that hickey, Doc. [Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]

Oh, Brock, don't worry. I'm not falling in love!

Brock

That's not what I-

And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.

Hank

We don't even know who our old mommy was.

Oh, that's right. I've never really told you about her. Well, she was- [horn honks outside] That'll be Charlene! Gotta run, boys! Don't stay up too late!!

Brock

Take your time, Monarch, because the minute you finish your little speech, I'm going to kill you.

What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you shmucks, I don't think I'm the one in danger here, considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon, teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever--

Hank

The piranha.

No.

Hank

The shark?

No!

Hank

(pause) The piranha?

NO!! And shut up! This isn't a quiz. Now where was I... right! The dreaded Candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra, to feed on the damaged tissue of the pitiful mass of flesh you once called your PENIS!!

Hank

I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!

You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in!

Hank

Well, that doesn't mean I never wash it.

Fair enough. Number 27! Get the kid a change of clothes! (Looking at Brock) How 'bout you? You ok?

Brock

I didn't sleep in my clothes.

27! Burn his sheets!

Brock

You scream, I'll break your neck, you understand me? (Dr. Girlfriend nods, and Brock takes his hand from her mouth)

Dr. Girlfriend

You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you? (removes the bedsheets to reveal herself in lingerie) Well, be quick with it!

Brock

To be honest with you, I never really considered that.

Dr. Girlfriend

Why not?

Brock

Just didn't.

Dr. Girlfriend

(obviously disappointed) Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Brock

Why haven't you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?

Please, how stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.

Brock

You have some dangerous machinery for sale here. I think you're begging for trouble on this one.

I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any big ideas from you on how to get some quick cash. C'mon, most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.

Brock

(exasperated) DOC! You have a table over there with a sign that says "laser death ray bargain bin"!

(dismissively) Well, that's why you have your little ska band there, to keep the oddballs in costumes from raising Cain.

Is my tie on straight?

Brock

Yeah. Can't really miss with a clip-on.

Hank

Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!

Dean

No wonder you guys are such super pals!

Actually... back then we didn't see much of each other...

We had very different schedules... always coming and going... at... different times...

Wait, tell 'em who really won the roommate lottery that year.

Oh, God, don't remind me.

Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he's, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.

Dean

Baron Ünderbheit!!!

(back to present) Yeah. You told 'em?

Dean

No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!

Hank

Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!

Brock

Relax, boys, he's not gonna do anything. It's hallowed ground.

Hank

So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?

Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.

Baron Ünderbheit

The tape is on the floor for a reason, Peter! Your things belong on your side of the room and don't think I haven't noticed that you moved it to make your area larger. If you cannot obey the simplest of rules...

Yeah, well, you don't make the rules, fella. You might be a big shot in your own country but around here you're just a kid with the weirdest-smelling lunch.

Baron Ünderbheit

ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! Very well! Then you leave me with no choice but to take this up with the R.A. at the next floor meeting. Come, man-servant.

Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?

What, did he walk into the barbershop and say, "what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"

Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.

Yeah, but you're Chinese, your people can't be blamed for what your hair does.

I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But yah, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.

You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here, and the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!

Hank

(present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You're not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!

Brock

You made Leslie Cohen robots? Jeez.

Yeah, I think I did a pretty good job.

Sure, but why would you do that, fella?

To have sex with, Pete. I think that obvious. The man was obsessed with her in college

So? He was obsessed with Coco from Fame the year before.

Brock

You did this. You did this, didn't you? (he attempts to charge Ünderbheit, nearly strangling Venture)

Baron Ünderbheit

(sarcastically) As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon, chained to an albino.