Brock Samson quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

Huh. So he really did die.

So what, he programmed his robots to hate us too?

Brock

(shrugs) I guess.

Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else today. So what do you say we get out of here before he starts to stink?

Dr. Orpheus

Do not be too hasty entering that room. I had TACO BELL FOR LUNCH!! Expert witness, Dr. Byron Orpheus has arrived.

Hank

(examining the bathroom door from which Orpheus emerged) The hair's gone! A clue!

Dean

It was Dr. O the whole time. I wonder what that means?

Brock

It means Dr. Orpheus had to take a dump. So... nice job. Case closed.

Brock

The police keep out of the way of the Guild for the most part. Who do you think supplied them with new cruisers last year?

My tax dollars, for one.

Dean

Santa Claus, for two.

Brock

Something big is going down. This place is crawling with Strangers.

Hank

You can't expect to know everybody.

Brock

No, Hank. Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.

Dean

We gotta warn Pop!

Brock

No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.

Hank

And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.

Brock

Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.

Dean

It's weird, right?

Brock

It's like he channels dead crazy people.

Hank

You think it's a cry for help?

Sorry sir, medical personnel only beyond this point.

Brock

I go where he goes.

Oh... you must be his "partner" then?

Brock

Not really, it's more like I work for him...WAIT A MINUTE - NO!!

What would I do without you, Brock?

Brock

(nonchalantly) You'd be dead.

Well I have good news...

Oh, thank...

And bad news.

YOU SON OF A BITCH!! (relaxes) Okay fine! Hit me with it, don't soft soap me. Give it to me straight, I can take it.

The good news is the operation was a success. We were able to remove the entire tumor from your midsection.

(to Brock as if comforting him) See, you big worry wart?

Brock

What's the bad news?

I... ah geez... This is very hard.

Oh god. It's the big C, isn't it? (to Brock) You did this to me! All that second hand smoke!! You should be the one in this bed, mister!!!

No no no, Dr. Venture! The tumor was benign, it's just that... well... (clears throat) We cannot find it.

What do you mean you can't find it?

Well, we took it out, and i don't know. When I finished sewing you up, I turned around and it was just gone!

(sarcastically) Gone. Well, I want a second opinion! Oh, wait, I'm a doctor! I can give myself one! You suck, and I'm leaving!

Dr. Orpheus

But I am, by trade, a necromancer! You know what that means, right?

Brock

Uhh, you have sex with dead people?

Dr. Orpheus

phile! Necrophile! A necroMANCER can bring the dead TO LIFE!!

Brock

Not even a scar? Did you look around the nipple, or belly button? Sometimes they- they put 'em in through there.

Look, she is all woman. I have explored every supple inch of her and I have found nothing but nectar.

Brock

All right, fine. Maybe the Monarch's just better equipped.

[Referring to their Firearms] You are strapping on an ultra-light gyropack. They are only issued to top ranking Guild officials.

Brock

No, I mean better... equipped.

She was kidnapped, alright?! Kid. Napped.

Brock

Ehh, I'm just sayin'.

Let's go!

Brock

I thought for sure you were gonna hit me with "lock and load."

The night is still young!

Brock

Hey, that killer hand thing is pretty cool. Can you get me one of those?

That's all me! The outcome of a botched experiment that made me evil.

Brock

I so called that!

Well met! You did that with his own finger?

Brock

Eh, it's just one guy.

You showoff!

[To Dr. Girlfriend] He's only a man...and no man is immune to your charms.

Brock

Pfff...'No man'. I'm still looking for the scars on her.

[Defensively] What? I'm a supervillain.

Brock

You Colonel Gathers?

(sounding like Hunter S. Thompson) What! Oh no you don't! (tackles Brock and sits on his chest, holding a knife to his throat) What do you want from me? Who sent you, you bastard?

Brock

Personnel! Special Agent-in-Training Brock Samson reporting for duty.

Don't you salute me, you bastard! (stabs Brock's hand with a knife)

Brock

Ow!

Leave that Little John-John crap back in Biloxi.

Brock

Yes sir!

And don't sir me, damn you! You're not in the Marines anymore. This is intelligence. Start using it.

Brock

Okay, Colonel... uuh...

Call me Hunter. Now let me get a good look at you. Good god! They're making 'em big now a days. Don't they know there's a gas crunch on?. Look at the size of you. (reads file) Samson, Brock. Born Omaha, Nebraska to a single mother. Half Swedish, quarter Polish, quarter Winnebago. You lost your virginity at fourteen, have one brother and you enjoy Motocross. (burns file with cigarette) The Brock Samson you knew and were is dead. Happy birthday, Frankenstein! You're O.S.I.'s baby now. Are you prepared to do whatever your country asks of you?

Brock

Yes.

Can you keep your head about you when you're confronted with mind-blowing weirdness at every turn?

Brock

Yes!

Are you ready for anything?

Brock

Yes!

(pause) Are you still ready for anything?

Brock

Yes!

Wrong! (smashes Brock across the knee with a metal pole) Lesson number one: trust no one. Minute God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them. Get up, damn you! (throws Brock a jetpack) Strap 'er on kid, your training starts now. When I'm through with you, you'll be a member of the elite agency that's been thanklessly defending this big-ass country since the second American Revolution.... the invisible one. Welcome to the Office of Secret Intelligence, Samson!

Brock

So for the next couple of days, it's yours. I'm trusting you to protect these people.

(scornfully) From what? Bed bugs and tummy aches?

Brock

Hey, you'd be surprised how many enemies Doctor Venture has. We get into some pretty hot situations here.

Brock, which of these looks better? The velour or the Italian knit? Oh, hello.

Brock

Doc, this is Molotov Cocktease. I hired her to watch out for you guys while I'm on assignment.

Charmed. Oh uh, and I got some iodine on this. Do you have time to get that out for me before you run off to play Cowboys and Indians?

Say the word and he's dead. We could be in Monaco by midnight.

Ahh, pardon?

Brock

Ah Doc, come here with me a second.

Did you check her references?

Brock

Yeah.

Oh great, she's one of your hussies isn't she? You're putting my life in the hands of a hussy.

Brock

She's a mercenary not a... hussy.

Did you have... relations with her?

Brock

Ehhh, no, I didn't.

Hmm, well then Rusty calls dibs. God, she must jazzercise night and day.