Brock Samson quotes from The Venture Bros.

Dean

Dad is super serious all of a sudden. Do you really think he's in as much danger as he says he is?

Brock

Oh yeah, he's screwed. I give him about an hour before he panics and begs for us to haul him up.

Okay, guys, I can hear all this!

Hey is that guy dead?

Brock

Yeah, probably.

Hank

Brock, if pirates really exist, I mean, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy could even be real, right? It's like, all bets are off!

Brock

Hank, nobody ever said pirates don't exist.

Hank

So you agree with me that this is impossible.

Brock

Hank, if there was ever a time in your life I needed you not to be Hank, it's now.

Hank

Uh, sorry, Brock.

Brock

Focus, Hank! Whatever you do, don't light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles.

Hank

Brock, I don't smoke!

Brock

Good. Now's a lousy time to start.

Brock

After the twist, you'll feel a snap. Then the body goes ragdoll on ya.

Hank

And that will knock him out...even more?

Brock

That'll kill him.

Hank

Do I have to?

Brock

Alright fine, crybaby. Just tie him up and, maybe I guess gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.

Hank

Alright Brock, I know this sounds crazy, but just hear him out.

Guuhhm. Can we have a ride home?

Brock

What?

Dean

Noooo. Do it like you said you were gonna.

(sigh) I'm really, really sorry about this whole mess, and, you know, the whole pirate thing is behind me now, and... plus, you kinda killed Steve, and burnt my ship. So, if you could give us a lift out of here I figure we'd just call it squaresies.

Brock

(sigh) Alright.

Go team Venture!

Brock

I don't know, they just do that.

Brock

Now, I want you to put your hand around your throat, Hank.

Hank

Uhh...alright.

Brock

That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as a handle. Your thumb is on your carotid artery, that's your button. Now remember, grab the handle, push the button. Repeat that back.

Hank

(gasping) Grab the handle, push the...

Brock

Let go of your own throat, Hank.

We need that key that starts your boat Mr. Big Stuff. Lets have it.

Brock

It's up my ass!

Are you serious?

Brock

Why don't you check.

(looks at his partner) Well? Check.

What if he's lying?

If he were telling the truth, that would be better?

Brock

(examining Race) Race Bannon... those bastards killed him!

Hank

Those kids? Damnit! We let 'em go!

Hank

Brock, I've thought a lot about it and if we can't get the antidote in time and it comes down to it, I... well, I want you to be the one to kill me.

Brock

Don't talk like that Hank, we're gonna find...

Hank

PROMISE ME, Brock!

Brock

Okay.

Hank

Promise?

Brock

Yes, I promise.

Hank

Super-swear?

Brock

(growing annoyed) YES, Hank.

Hank

(after a brief pause) Hey, Brock?

Brock

Yeah?

Hank

How would you do it?

Brock

(without hesitation) You're asleep, quick jerk of the neck, never feel a thing.

Hank

You've thought about this.

Brock

Yes, I have.

Sir, your craft is unregistered, and you failed to file a flight plan. Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?

Don’t you people have anything better to do than harass innocent people trying to get to Marrakesh?

Zip it, Grandpa. I’m speaking to the pilot.

Grandpa? Well, I’ll have you know-

Sir, I am not gonna tell you again.

Brock

It’s all right, soldier. I got special clearance. [Hands pilot his CIA card] I’m with a top-secret branch of the government. So if you don’t mind, we have a mission to get back to.

[looks at license] Sir. This I.D. expired six months ago. [Hearing this, Brock freaks out. Dr. Venture stands next to him, annoyed]

Great. When Marrakesh is overrun by mutant lizard people don’t come crying to me.

Well, let's see here Mr. Samson. On the driving portion you totaled every car but the one you were driving. On the pistol range you refused to use a gun, and, oh, ha, here's my favorite, on the written you drew the little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records.

Brock

Icarus. So, uh, what are trying to tell me here, little man, that you don't like Zep? [Tester stands and rips the written portion in half]

My father is General Treister. You saved his life. The man spoke of you as a god. [pause] And you did not disappoint.

Brock

Oh yeah. I used to babysit you.

This test will, uh, test your proficiency with firearms, you'll have two min-

Brock

Uh uh. No guns. I don't use guns.

The nine millimeter Glock is standard issue to all agents in the field. You're required-

Brock

Guns are for sissies.

Hey Brock!

Brock

Go to bed. [walks past the door dejectedly, then walks back in] Why would you dress like that? [Dean is in his underwear with a number of socks wrapped around his head]

Hank

Dean lost a bet, and now he's my slave, and he's refusing a direct order to drink this!

Brock

You never welch on a bet, Dean. Be a man. Drink it. [Hank is offering some green liquid with various substances floating in it] Go to bed. You're father's gonna be... coming... [leaves mumbling dejectedly]

Dean

Brock looks like hell.

Hank

Drink it.