(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)
You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it.
That's the way we work round here.
I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay.
Great. Lovely to meet you.
(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)
Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! (to Adam) Adam, secure the economist. (to Phil) You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT!
AdamBrilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay?
(calling out to Fergus) Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason.
Adam
I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you?
1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes.
(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)
Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now.
Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy?
Adam
Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A lot of air.
Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold.
Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
Adam
The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...
(Adam mimes an explosion.)
Jesus, is this what we came into politics for?
Adam
Yeah. That and the pussy.
Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)
Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
Phil (returning with Glenn's tie): I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.
Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
What are you talking about? What economist?
Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank!
Peter, this is so fucking us.
Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
FAFergus and Adam
Well, £2 billion.
Adam
Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising fucking TAXES?
Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)
You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – (interrupted by an alert on his phone) Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
(looks at the photo) Oh, f–
(receiving Phil's phone) No no no no no no...
It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than Charlie Bit My Finger.
Adam
You look like the Shit Family Robinson.
(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)
(Stewart storms off)
Adam
Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.
My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone!
Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?
It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!
Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.
(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)
I don't want the fucking trousers!
(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)
Adam
Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre."
Does that give us enough distance from Mannion?
Adam
Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it.
Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us.
Adam
Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he?
Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich?
Adam
Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it.
(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)
Glenn (on the phone): Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)
Adam
Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- (pretending to be a magician) Wow! This. (Adam shows Glenn a USB flash drive.) Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair.
What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh?
You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn?
Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher.
Adam
(pointing to the USB flash drive) Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy.
This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate!
Adam
Pick it up.
(After some thought...)
Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it.
(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)
I don't need to shake your hand.
All right. Touchy, but not feely.
Just go. I'll just have a look at it.
(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)
Adam
You are a brilliant bullshitter.
Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you.
(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)
(happily) Mannion goes Mel Gibson.
Adam
(chuckling) Spot it.
(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)
You know, you know what you've done?
Adam
Yeah?
You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum.
Adam
It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it.
Adam
Trousers down.
And where did the shit go?
(Adam imitates an explosion.)
(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)
Adam
That's just priceless.
Adam
What?
Um, check the fucking emails.
Adam
What are you talking about?
What the fuck did you give to Glenn?
Adam
(checking the computer) Well, it was just the email, just the...
Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email.
Adam
Oh, fucking hell...
(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)
Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle?
Adam
Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it.
Why did you give him the choice?
Adam
Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down!
Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam!
Adam
Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it!
I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not Madras fucking everywhere!
(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)
Adam
Hey! 2000 Year Old Man! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!
Terri and I sent what you gave me.
Adam
(in hysterical disbelief) Terri?! Why the fuc– THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO SHOOT ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, (points to his eye) RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, CALLED TERRI!
(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking) I am actually here, you know!
Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)
Adam
(singsong) Fuck you very much! (to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange) Five minutes, guys, yeah?
CThe Carers
(moaning) Thanks.
(quietly to Glenn) Glenn...what about my tea shop?
(sarcastically) It got closed! There's been a murder!
In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see from space, IT'S GOING TO BE SPACE! BRIAN COX IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!
ANYTHING! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything, I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!
But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!
No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! (mobile rings) Oh, Christ. (answers) Hello, Malcolm!
Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.
Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.
Yes. You sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.
Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
(Fergus and Adam burst in)
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
Adam
(restraining Fergus) All right, Fergus. (calmly) What the fuck is going on?
The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!
There's gonna be an inquiry.
Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone Mad Max, and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.
Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
Well, yes there is; (looks to Fergus's office) anyway, tell Perkin Warbeck over there.
OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?
Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.
OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.
(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)
Adam
(to Terri) Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then.
Adam
So what is it?
Adam
Love to hear it.
(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)
(moaning) Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses.
(Peter then hides in his office.)
Look, synchronize lies, all right? (Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.) Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play.
Yes, you actually did, didn't you? (to Terri) Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. (Mary shakes Terri's hand) I've heard a great deal about you.
Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear.
(sharply) I fully intend not to. (to Stewart) Stewart. Chakras balanced?
Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. (to Terri) Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that.
Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes.
(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)
Mary! Great to see you again.
(flatly) I'm here in an angry capacity.
Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.
(to all) The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours.
Sorry to be, uh, contrary, Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue.
Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. (leaves)
Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. (leaves)
Adam
Subtitles, you need subtitles!
(to Terri) Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining rationally why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
Adam
Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
Adam
You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm...
What is it, you got an erection?
No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
No, you closeted Regency homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
(grabs a desktop lamp) YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
(puts down the lamp) You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
Adam
If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit.
Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
Adam
Brilliant. Bring it.
You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met.
Adam
Yep.
You were so well-suited at the Mail, it's a shame you came over here!
Hear, hear! (she and Phil clap)
Do you know what? I hate you both: Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick! You contribute absolutely nothing to the world, so thank fucking God you have no power!
Er, we do actually, it's –
No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
(gleefully) This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! (Emma smiles and shrugs slightly) Terri? (takes a pair of scissors)
I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, (takes his pass and cuts it up) because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! (leaves)
That was better than IMAX Inception.
Should we try and get him back?
Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
Adam
He's gone Glenn-tal.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
